We May Be Saints but We Are No Martyrs
Kindness is an easy subject to talk about. We always speak fondly of those who perform kind deeds: of those who donate to charitable organizations or volunteer their time regularly. We all want to be kind to others and we all like to think of ourselves as kind. I know I do.
I try to be as kind as possible to everyone. Even people I don’t know. Even people that might come across questionable or unstable, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Because I believe every living being should be treated with kindness and respect, especially in our often harsh and unkind world. I give as much as I can, in ways I can be of help, regardless of if there is anything in return. But, I have had to learn to draw a line where (or when) my own mental, physical or emotional health is at risk.
Whenever I watch a movie and see a character who unconditionally protects, nurtures and gives to the ones she loves regardless of how much it hurts and disappoints, I admire her capacity for compassion. When a superhero sacrifices his personal happiness to save the world from catastrophe, I adore his unwavering strength and purpose to save humanity.
Yet, as quickly as I am inspired by those selfless acts from real or fictional characters, I just as quickly associate a tragic life often accompanied by those heroic choices. Selflessness comes with a cost. And history has taught me sainthood and martyrdom often go hand in hand. Not something to look forward to for anyone who wishes to enjoy a peaceful personal life. So today, I look for a happy medium where I can still be the kind being I feel I was born to be, in a safe space I provide for myself. I have learned that I don’t need to pawn my own livelihood to be kind, compassionate, and living a life that I believe in.
Kindness is free and clear
I believe we are all innately kind and giving beings at the core. It is one of our fundamental qualities of human nature. It is when our ways of giving are judged or compared, we start to question whether or not we have enough to give, or if we are doing it right. When there are expectations attached to an act of kindness it becomes self-serving.
Kindness itself does not cost us anything. It is a miraculous gift we’ve inherited from a higher source. That’s why it feels so good when we give, when we pass on kindness to others. We can see the spark it ignites and feel the joy it brings to others. And we each have an infinite capacity to fuel the world with kindness and compassion. We can offer kindness however and whenever we choose to.
Mental or emotional toll is a high cost
When your kind nature is ill received or unappreciated is when it starts to feel burdensome. In a world of givers exists a world of takers. While symbiotic relationships of giving and taking are natural, the law of nature should also be respected. Abusive or excessive taking disrupts this natural order. At the human level, that can take a high mental or emotional toll from a kind soul.
While our kindness is free and abundant in nature, the counterpart it attracts can be an energy of attachment, also in abundance. This is where we need to sharpen our intuition and be firm with our boundaries. Define your limits, be clear about what you can and cannot accept and communicate it clearly when necessary. Doing this will not only prevent you from feeling depleted, it will allow you the confidence to continue to be the kind soul that you are, knowing you are being kind out of free will. Protecting your boundaries will protect you from internal conflict, resentment and bitterness.
Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness, including you. Let yourself be the first person you treat with kindness. If you are a giving person by nature, you are likely to see and meet others needs before your own. Practice doing that for yourself for a change. Pay attention to your own needs and give yourself permission to take care of you first. Indirectly, you are taking care of others by taking care of your own needs.
Is there any inner healing you’ve been putting off because you’ve been busy healing others? Is there a lifelong calling you’ve been neglecting because you've had to meet other obligations? Is now a good time to pursue those important acts of self-care? In other words, are you the very person who needs your own help at the moment? If you are a healer or light worker at heart with a mission to help others, meeting your own needs first will maintain a stable foundation for you to continually give to others, without putting yourself in a deficit.
I’ve met many kind souls who find it hard to communicate their needs to others. I’ve had to build up my courage to voice that to others over the years. Here are 3 honest and guilt-free ways to respond to someone when you feel overexerted:
“I would love to help you but I’m feeling a little drained at the moment and need some time to recover first.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about that. I will think about it and get back to you when I have an answer.”
“I don’t have the capacity right now to help you that way, but I am able to do this for you instead.”
Live to give another day
It’s not easy to choose kindness in every moment of our lives. Our world can be harsh and unforgiving, full of people who operate from survival mode desperate to take from others. Growing up, I was often angry, disappointed, and at times lost complete faith in humanity. I wondered if I was cut out for this world. The kind and sensitive parts of me wanted to shrivel up into a corner and disappear so I could be spared all the misery.
As I got older and took a more holistic overview of the world around me, I asked, can I blame them? In the past couple years alone, we have all seen overwhelming amounts of chaos and conflicts breaking loose that begged the question, are we evolving backwards? Are we really this unkind as a collective? I want to save the world, I want to prove a point, but at what cost?
Thankfully, there is no reason to self-sacrifice to make a statement. As I have experienced, I can save both myself and others. In fact, I will be able to save more and give more if I go on and live a great life.
I believe that is the best way for us to be kind, from a place of stability. When we give kindness from a place of lack, we can easily become depleted, feeling like our kindness does not yield a return. We can even sink into anger, depression or self-pity. The motivation behind our pure and kind nature becomes muddled when there are expectations attached. So securing our own livelihood is especially important if our purpose and desire is to help others. While that in itself requires emotional maturity, the transformation work is well worth it.
From the kindest part of me to yours, I want to see you well. I want to see you happy. And I want us to show the world that it is possible to lead a beautiful life from a place of kindness.
