How to Deal with Difficult People, Gracefully
“The reason why we continue to tangle with difficult people in our lives is because there is something about them that mirrors a part of us we don’t feel good about.”
When difficult people appear in our lives continuously who make our blood boil, skin crawl, and tears gush, we can find ourselves in desperate moments when we run out of all other ideas throwing up our hands and asking: “Why?” and “What do I do?”
If you’re familiar with the sentiment “the greatest tormentor is your greatest mentor” then you’ll probably understand that intrinsic feeling we all get when life gives us the same problem to deal with over and over again, knowing it’s a test we must pass or it will continue to reappear. As profound and purposeful as that may sound, when you’re personally in that scenario, all you can think is how unfair it is, what did we ever do to deserve this, and how could the universe do this to us?
Years leading up to my current level of self-awareness, I was in a bit of denial (one might say). I prided myself as being sensible, polite, respectful, and capable of making intelligent choices despite my emotions. In reality, however, when it came to dealing with difficult people, particularly those who were aggressive and disrespectful, I was clueless and irrational. I felt pushed against a corner, frustrated, and disappointed with the world, one that would actually allow bullies to thrive.
I was raised to be considerate of others at all times, to always yield to others’ wants and needs out of courtesy. Though in hindsight, I took those guidelines perhaps too literally, but that’s another blog post… Those guidelines were not without their reasons. I’d like to think I grew up to be a thoughtful person who cares a great deal about how my actions affect others. And for a long time, I was only surrounded by those who were equally polite and courteous. Since reentering the dating world after my divorce, and as my professional career continued to advance, I found myself in a position dealing with a wider variety of personalities, including those who simply don’t understand boundaries and cannot be reasoned with. My handful of tools on how to maintain healthy, long-lasting relationships were rendered useless.
I didn’t know how to deal with these people effectively AND be the person I could be proud of at the end of the day. You understand what I’m talking about, don’t you? During those moments of being caught off guard by rude remarks and pushy requests, rummaging through your head looking for the right words to say while actively picturing punching the lights out of the person in front you? Yup, that’s it. Except your evolved senses know better not to act upon the latter.
For years, I asked why these people were in my life, and why I kept attracting these types of personalities. I couldn’t understand why they were drawn to me, insisting on pestering me, taking advantage of my amicable nature, and persisting to take, take, and take what they could from me without an ounce of remorse. Being highly intuitive and sensitive to others’ cues and comfort level, I couldn’t understand how some people could be completely unaware of others’ boundaries.
you’re only responsible for your own reactions and not theirs. Let go of your control and expectations of the outcome and focus on working toward your own personal goals. A lot of times, when you disengage and shift your focus away from those difficult people, they also shift their attention away looking for a new target to entangle with.
Until one ordinary day at the office, I came across a woman who stood in front of the same difficult person I was having trouble with, and articulated very clearly and precisely her intentions. When that certain VDP (very difficult person) insisted on pushing through unreasonable requests to get her way, the other woman kept her poise and very patiently repeated her position and did not reconsider her decision. She ended her statement with “Thank you for your suggestion” then politely turned away and broke eye contact. The VDP stood in silence for a couple minutes then returned to her desk without a word.
I was in awe. How did she do that, and how could I get there?
I reflected, read, tried different ways of saying things, observed my own responses in every scenario, and realized one day that my old ways of handling difficult people were ineffective because they simply did not align with my highest personal truth — I didn’t believe in them and they didn’t feel good, because they came from a place of ego.
I looked for ways to “handle” difficult people by means of trying to get rid of them by dropping hints; rejecting their requests by coming up with better reasoning; manipulating the situation so I could maintain control; beating them at their own game so I could feel like the winner; or retaliating to show that they’d messed with the wrong person. Everything except to communicate what I truly felt was right on the inside. I was stuck in a pointless time loop that had no beginning and end with VDPs because I felt like I had something to prove. And VDPs delightfully engaged because that’s what they live for, and I felt like the victim.
Once I understood what was going on inside me and the way I reacted to difficult people, I was able to step outside of each situation whenever it occurred. The rest was just consistently practicing mindful behaviors. It became clear that the “skill'' I was seeking wasn’t a way of handling other people, but a way to respond to them from the most centered version of myself. That meant recalibrating my own vibrations so no part of me would align with those who deliberately looked for targets to bully. While some tact was required, the more important thing to work on was my own mentality and the way I related to the difficult people I encountered.
Identifying triggers
As the old adage goes, we’re each fighting our own inner demons. How we come to see those demons is how they manifest in our daily lives. So in a way, our emotional triggers are eye openers to the shadow parts of ourselves inside. That includes fears, insecurities, old wounds, and anything else in the subconscious we’re unaware of.
The first thing to do is identify those parts that cause you distress when confronted by a very difficult person. What do you feel when confronted by this person, and why do you feel the way you do? Can you accurately pinpoint how this VDP makes you feel? Can you also identify what that person did specifically whenever those feelings arose? Make a list of everything you feel when dealing with your VDP.
For example, my personal VDP for many years was particularly condescending in her tone toward me, as well as other peers. She was outright rude to her direct report, but changed her tone completely when speaking to her boss or someone with a higher ranking in the company.
Those behaviors not only made me feel mistreated but agitated the righteousness inside me that believes in treating all people kindly regardless of their position in the world. It was her way of being that threatened the way I perceive the world and I couldn’t make peace with it. It brought me back to the way we were treated when my family first moved to the U.S. without financial stability, friends, or the ability to speak English well enough to defend ourselves. Her demeaning remarks also triggered memories of people speaking to me as if I didn’t know anything about anything, because of my sweet and innocent demeanor. Everything about this particular VDP tied back to the unresolved anger and hurt from my past.
One less obvious trigger I’ve identified was that I had somehow subconsciously related to her way of manipulating others. I had an ex who was controlling and manipulative (in fact, he was the quintessential VDP of my life) and I’ve come to understand all his tricks. Dealing with yet another similar personality made me want to prove to my younger self that I knew better this time around. I can beat this! The cost would inevitably be getting sucked back into this neverending lose-lose game.
Understanding your current boundaries
Contrary to what most people believe, our boundaries are constantly shifting based on our current circumstances. Other than the rules of fundamentals of course, our soft boundaries are rarely carved in stone and inflexible throughout our entire lives. We adjust them based on the relationship, comfort level, new information, our own growth and maturity, and of course, our desires.
Assessing your boundaries when it comes to dealing with difficult people often comes with its unique set of rules, because you’re already guarded and know what to expect from experience. You might be at your limit with a certain VDP (very difficult person) and cannot be flexible with your boundaries, and that's okay. That’s a part of acknowledging where you’re at right now, as long as you also acknowledge it’s okay for this feeling to change if your relationship dynamic changes. That way, you leave room for the possibility to improve your relationship, even if it’s with a difficult person, especially if they show signs of effort. Sometimes our feelings of anger and hurt put us in direct opposition with VDPs and we are so absolutely certain that we’ll always be against that person, that we can’t recognize when that VDP shows effort to amend our relationship. It’s important to extend compassion to even VDPs if they have a desire to change. Even VDPs are learning and growing. If you’re able to repair the relationship, then it would truly be a win-win solution and a transformative experience for the both of you.
Holding and communicating your boundaries to difficult people
Standing up for your boundaries in front of someone who is disrespectful can, of course, be a challenge. But the more you understand your triggers and where you are with your current boundaries, the more confident and clear you will come across. If you’re dealing with a particularly aggressive and disrespectful VDP, here are some helpful tools to better allow you to increase your effectiveness as well as keep your inner peace.
Pause, breathe, and recenter — Whenever you feel aggravated by difficult people, take a quick 5-second pause and breathe through the pause before responding. Trace back to a pleasant moment of stillness before these heightened emotions arose. Bring yourself back to that moment as a reminder of who you truly are inside and how this moment is making you feel. Respond to this moment from a place of your true self.
Communicating truthfully and unapologetically — Communicating truthfully about what is acceptable and not acceptable to you is perfectly okay. A lot of times we let self-judgment and feelings of guilt get in the way of taking care of our needs, which only makes things frustrating for yourself and the people you’re working with. While crafting the right words to communicate swiftly and gracefully is a fine art in itself, here are some effective phrases that can help you minimize and diffuse a tough situation:
• “I need some time to think about this. Let me get back to you when I have an answer.”
• “I appreciate your concern but I already have a solution in mind.”
• “I don’t really need help right now, but if I do I will be sure to ask you.”
• “I don’t have the capacity to help you with this right now. I will let you know if that changes.”
• “That’s not my area of expertise and it’s outside of my comfort zone. Someone else will be better to assist you.”
• “I’ve already communicated my answer to you and I’m very comfortable with that decision.”
• “I don’t feel good about the way this conversation is going. We’re not being effective or productive. Let’s stop until we can calmly talk about this.”
• “I don’t want to participate in a shouting match, so I’m going to walk away now. I’m happy to continue our conversation when you are more calm.”
Coming to a resolution, for your own inner peace
It’s up to you to come to a favorable resolution to your situation based on your current circumstance and how you feel about the situation with your VDP. Be mindful that your decision from a place of peace and harmony will always leave you feeling better than a decision from a place of anger or retaliation, which is that of ego.
Accepting the situation — In many cases, accepting difficult people as they are could be the best-case scenario. By that I don’t mean become their friend and hang out together, but to see them as who they are and remove expectations and judgment of how they should be. If you simply don’t understand each other and your personalities clash, then try to have a conversation with your VDP and acknowledge the reality. Once you can agree to disagree, things could become much smoother because there is now a mutual understanding between the two of you.
Change your attitude toward the situation — It’s not hopeless if you’re unable to reach any kind of agreement or resolution with your VDP. You can still change your own perspective and the way you respond to the situation. Remember, you’re only responsible for your own reactions and not theirs. Let go of your control and expectations of the outcome and focus on working toward your own personal goals. A lot of times, when you disengage and shift your focus away from those difficult people, they also shift their attention away looking for a new target to entangle with.
Remove yourself from the situation — When faced with someone who simply will not give you the space you need to be your best, then perhaps it’s time to leave the situation behind and move on. Take some time to assess your situation and think about how it has affected you and your life. If it’s a toxic relationship and has been depleting your time and energy, then give yourself permission to leave. Create an exit plan and follow through. There is nothing wrong with an act of self-love, no matter how obligated you think you are to stay.
