Happier Parenting: An Interview with Ben Yau
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.” — Jim Gaffigan
Ben, his wife Sheri, and their 3 children.
Ben Yau is one of the more diverse and interesting people I’ve come across. He’s a father of three, career computer engineer, a swing dance champion and instructor in Pasadena, CA, and now author of the highly praised book Happier Parenting: Smiling and Thriving While in the Trenches of Parenthood. It’s a guide written for both the entertainment and education of people and parents alike, based on Ben’s own emotional and spiritual journey through parenthood in becoming a happier person and parent.
Unlike other parenting books out there, Happier Parenting encourages parents to celebrate themselves and become happier people rather than solely focusing on what to do to become better parents. It’s essentially Ben’s personal development story enveloped by the trials as well as joys of parenthood, told in a fun and humorous tone. Ben’s diverse interests, well-read background, and personal experiences from his own childhood enabled him to form his simple, relatable method called SOS for parents. This includes taking small breaks from their demanding schedules and recentering themselves.
Q:
As a computer engineer, a swing dance champion and instructor, and a father of three, what propelled you to become an author?
A:
Come to think of it, I have always loved reading, writing, and sharing stories since I was a child. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. My parents were first-generation immigrants and were not familiar with ways to socialize in the U.S. so reading stories and telling stories became a way of escape for me as a child.
After I found swing dancing (and met my wife, Sheri) I’ve come to enjoy learning and teaching so much more. After our painful and emotionally draining experience of 6 years of infertility and in vitro procedures, I started sharing our challenges and experiences out of sheer intention to help others get through or prevent similar experiences. And the more I shared our stories, the more people told me I should write a book because of my way of storytelling, so that planted the initial idea.
When I started thinking about the idea, I was reminded of a quote from Mr. Rogers about the importance of sharing your personal experiences, because your story could be the answer to someone else’s questions, even years or decades from now when you’re no longer around. It is a way to leave a piece of you with someone else. It was around that time I met my publisher and everything sort of just clicked and I began my writing journey.
Q:
What do you think are the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness for parents of today?
A:
I think parents of today are bombarded with so many decisions to make because there are just so many more choices now. As parents, we always want what’s best for our kids so we are stressed with whether or not we are making the best choices because of how complicated the world has become. It feels as if every choice we make will spark a chain reaction and have lasting effects on our children. I feel like I’m in a choose-your-own-adventure book sometimes, where each decision I make can result in a different ending, but there is no way in real life for me to skip forward and see what the ending would be if I make a particular decision.
Also, with social media sharing now (and I’m guilty of this at times) we tend to look at each other’s experiences and start comparing what other parents are doing with their children. Then we start to question the decisions we’ve made and wonder if we should be doing the same things. That is added pressure we put on ourselves.
I personally would think about a single decision before, during, and after I made the decision whether it’s the best for my kids. An example from my most recent experience is the decision to enroll my youngest in a dual immersion school that speaks Mandarin. Then the pandemic hit shortly after and all classroom learning has become remote learning and homeschooling. It definitely made it a challenging decision, considering a lot of the benefit of dual immersion is interaction with the native-speaking peers (Sheri and I are not native speakers). In hindsight, our youngest made it through and managed very well (kids seem to be so much more resilient!), but I remember how stressed I was at the time processing and going through with the decision.
Q:
You had mentioned level of consciousness in your book Happier Parenting. What was the biggest mind shift you went through to become a happier parent? Was there an “aha” moment?
A:
The biggest realization for me was that so many things are actually out of my control. One of the first parenting books I’ve read is Screamfree Parenting by Hal Runkel. In his book, he talked about how parents experience frustrations mostly when things don’t go as planned. Maybe the kids are just not cooperating or doing things the way we hoped they'd do.
If we base our happiness on something that’s outside of our control then we will surely be stressed and frustrated all the time. Whether we like it or not, our kids are already making their own decisions — they are choosing whether to come to you or run away during diaper change. And their decisions are really outside of our control.
While all the self-reflections and contemplations were swimming in my mind, the “aha” moment came to me when I saw the movie Click starring Adam Sandler. The premise of the movie is that he had a magical remote control that played the movie of his life. When the remote fast-forwarded his career-focused life and skipped over all the parts without him enjoying the moments with his family, it was too late when he realized just how much joy he had missed. It made me think about my life and how I interact with my family, and if I had such a remote, what would it be fast-forwarding through?
So that is actually one of the biggest reasons why I wrote this book. It’s written for the parents who are too busy striving for more and deciding what’s best for their children, to remind them to stay present and don’t think too far ahead and miss out on enjoying the moments before it’s too late.
Photos courtesy of Yau family
Q:
What is the SOS method and how does it work?
A:
It is a very simple and easy 3-part recipe I use regularly whenever I feel stressed or frustrated and want to call out “HELP!” LOL.
I had designed it with busy parents in mind so that anyone, at any time, any place can access and use it. The objective is really to come up with something that’s very manageable and uncomplicated, but if done on a daily basis becomes a habit that sinks into any parent’s regular routine.
As busy parents, we have almost developed a reflex to respond to situations a certain way that it becomes our survival mode. The SOS method essentially reminds us to take a pause to give gratitude for all that we are and have, and be happy.
S = Self
O = Others
S = Smiles
The Self step — A reminder to think of ourselves, our needs in the present moment. It is essentially about self-love. It lets us fill our own fuel tanks so that we can continue on and help fill others’ fuel tanks without ever going empty.
The Others step — A reminder that we are all connected to others around us: our family, friends, possessions, relationships, etc. This helps us see all that we have and all that we have built and be grateful for that.
The Smiles step — Parents are constantly in the position to be responsible and feel like they’re in the “trenches” and seldom feel like they can be silly. This is a reminder to allow our inner child to come out and play, and enjoy the moment too. :)
Q:
How has becoming a happier person and parent changed your relationship with your wife and children?
A:
I’m actually not sure how it has changed my relationship with my wife and children, I should ask my wife, LOL. But it has definitely changed my relationship with myself.
I wanted to raise my kids by working on myself to become a happier person knowing the side effect of that will be my kids picking up my characteristics. I am more proud of myself now that I’ve become a good example for my kids to model after. They are a reflection of who I have become more and more. I have noticed that my way of behaving inspires them to behave a certain way and then surprisingly their way of behaving would inspire and reinforce the kind of person I want to be. It’s kind of a nice cycle for us to remind each other of the best practices in life.
After practicing regular gratitude, it actually opened me up to see all that I can learn from my kids. They are actually very resilient and are brilliant in so many ways. That observation caused me to feel like a child again, and made me realize there is so much more I still want to learn and experience. So from the perspective of being a happier person in general, if parents can humble themselves to realize they can learn from a child, then they can be open to learning from just about anyone.
Q:
What can people expect to get from reading your book?
A:
One thing I’ve always enjoyed is teaching. I just enjoy going through my own personal development, and have so many people to thank for that. So at the same time I really value anyone else also working on themselves, and I like to do what I can to encourage and support those around me. My book’s purpose is to be both entertaining and educational, and my hope is that if it’s true, there is no substitution for experience, that people will come to my book and trade their time reading it and gain back experience for them to apply how they wish. Whether some of my stories instantly resonate, or are set aside for later, I really hope my book is useful as a parent’s sidekick in the long run on their own journey to being a happier person and happier parent.
Ben Yau currently lives in Los Angeles, CA. By day he is a career computer engineer, and by night (and weekends) he loves swing dancing, trading and investing, being active, socializing with other neighborhood families, and telling really good/bad jokes (but of course!!). Most of all, Ben loves and treasures the time he gets to spend with his family.
You can find and connect with Ben on Instagram or Facebook. His new book Happier Parenting can be purchased on Amazon or at http://happierparentingbook.com.
