Free Yourself from Shame and Feel Fully Accepted
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”
Shame is such a sensitive subject matter. It’s a tough topic to bring up and talk about because it makes most people feel uncomfortable and want to run away. Yet, we all experience it at one point or another.
That is why I have such respect and gratitude for Brené Brown, for making the conversation about Shame an open conversation. Prior to her most-watched TED Talk, that conversation might have felt a little inappropriate or threatening to me. Shame? It doesn’t apply to me, I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. But then, as I started to observe my own thoughts closely, followed by certain behaviors, I started to see traces of Shame, hiding in my blindspots, sabotaging my well-being this whole time.
If you are familiar with Brené Brown’s work, then you might understand that shameful thoughts, and at times, reactive behaviors can be triggered by the most insignificant cues in everyday life. They often bring up feelings of rejection and not being good enough, essentially, feelings of not being loved. One of my triggers was when my calls or texts were not returned, a string of thoughts would form of how insignificant others must’ve thought I was to not bother to return my texts or calls. I would be filled with feelings of unworthiness. What could I have done better? Was it my tone, or choice of words? If I could only make them see, I am usually better than this! I would make it all about me, and my personal Shame.
Over the years, as I have become more present with my thoughts, I’ve learned that everyone is immersed in their own life, and sometimes in their own Shame; they simply don’t have the capacity to participate in mine or anyone else’s. In that sense, my inner crisis is indeed unimportant in comparison, but in a good way. We are all responsible for witnessing our own Shame, and we cannot keep track of others nor ask for them to keep track of ours. While my triggers still instigate a feeling of unworthiness at times, they are far more rational, and my mind recognizes when I am projecting thoughts and scenarios that do not exist. I am then able to accept them, redirect them, or seek confirmation from others, if it feels right.
Shame keeps you trapped
Almost no one is ready to expose their most vulnerable side on any given day, or be accused of having shameful secrets they are actively trying to hide. After all, that’s part of the shame, that there is either something unforgivable from our past we wish hadn’t happened, or that we currently have inadequate thoughts or behaviors we think we’d be judged for. It’s that feeling of looming punishment accompanied by revealing Shame.
Shame stands in the way of self-respect, so it seems. If I am a well-liked and respectable person, how can I live with having Shame? So most people dismiss their feelings of Shame. They push their Shame so far down that they are unable to acknowledge its existence.
Keeping Shame inside only keeps you trapped. For as long as you feel there is a part of you that is unacceptable, you will always feel deeply inadequate, that it’s not safe to be yourself in the world. You will then be constantly fleeing judgment from others, as well as from yourself. And that is a terrible way to live.
Shame keeps you trapped either in the past or in the future, anywhere but here and now. You worry your past might catch up to you, or you might say or do something to jeopardize your future, because you can’t seem to trust yourself to do the right things. So you try hard not to make mistakes or reveal your true feelings, but all that does is prevent you from being yourself, and that is the biggest mistake we can ever make in life. While an imposter version of you is running around living your life, your real self is watching inside a cage built by feelings of Shame.
Healing from Shame
I have met many people over the years, who are living with so much Shame and felt the need to hide it. They can range from guilt, regret, inadequacy, unworthiness, and anything in between. Having had the practice of witnessing my own Shame, I’ve come to understand how they feel, and why we have the kind of relationships we have with each other, as a collective.
We live in such a confusing society, where one personal development trend follows another. Conversations of Shame are especially heavy and unpleasant in a world that encourages positivity and light. There is so much pressure to be “positive.” But how can anyone be expected to be positive and light when they are carrying around the burden of Shame?
Healing from Shame requires a truly safe space. A space that is consistently without judgment, drama, or abandonment. We can go as far as calling this space a divine space — one of true grace. It takes a special person to be the holder of that space.
This space is important because it will serve as a place of exploration as well as sharing when the experience of Shame comes up. It is the space where self-acceptance can first occur. Once we accept those uncomfortable feelings then we can gradually let go of it, without the need to hide it or punish ourselves for it.
If you are not in a place where you are ready to talk to others about those feelings, you can write about it in a journal. Anyway you can witness it, talk about it (or to it), from an outlet of your comfort, you will begin to reduce its intensity — you can create a safe space for yourself.
Free yourself of judging thoughts as you witness any feelings of Shame. This space is meant to be safe, even from your own judgment and criticism. So be sure to check your judging voice before you enter this space so you can freely release your heaviest feelings of Shame. If you find your thoughts responding harshly to what you say or write, simply tell it to stop and give yourself a dose of compassion before moving on.
Release Shame with bold honesty
It takes a certain amount of courage to be honest. It takes a lionheart to be boldly honest about your Shame. But being boldly honest isn’t the same as being forceful. You can be boldly honest with grace, toward others, but most important of all, toward yourself. In time, you will see that it’s possible to be boldly honest in the most tender way, and that tenderness is truly a strength.
Sometimes, Shame makes us defensive. We fear resentment and judgment so we try to protect ourselves emotionally, or we test the waters to make sure it’s safe before we fully reveal ourselves. All that does is add one more layer of confusion. It is the same as adding one more wall outside of that cage your Shame has already built for your real self.
Be boldly honest about how you feel. Let others know what’s been keeping you from communicating your feelings. Be brave about what you’re afraid of in communicating those feelings. Be as graceful as you possibly can and expect nothing in return. Understand that you are doing this for yourself, not for anyone else. You are doing this to untrap your real self from the cage of Shame.
Your revelation may be met with a warm embrace, words of encouragement, or utter resentment; there is no way for you to know. Leave reactions to others as their choice. You only need to focus on your truth and how you communicate it.
Releasing each piece of your truth is like dropping a brick you’ve been carrying in your chest. Except you didn’t know you were carrying it until it was dropped and you all of a sudden felt lighter in the heart. The cage of Shame is ultimately built around our heart, where our real self resides. Lightening the load and breaking the walls around our heart means we get closer and closer to our authentic self. The closer we get to it, the closer we become to freeing it from Shame.
The interesting thing about Shame, as I have contemplated and discovered, is that the more you accept it, the less weight it has on you. I find myself freely talking about my mischievous notions, and at times, even manipulative tendencies. I talk about them with such lightness that I give them no importance. And I almost never remember, let alone follow through on any of those thoughts or behaviors. You see, when we make light of Shame, we free ourselves from desperation. We end up freeing ourselves of having to prove to anyone that we are good, that we are worthy. When we are able to free ourselves from that, Shame becomes mild, fleeting, and insignificant.
