The 3-Step Practice of Communicating More Authentically from the Heart
There is nothing more authentic than communicating from the heart. The beauty in authenticity is that it reveals to the world who we truly are. It attracts the people and community who are truly supportive of our being. And it keeps our body, mind, heart and soul in coherence therefore in alignment with our life path and soul purpose.
The world we live in seldom encourages authenticity, at least not genuinely, I often feel. We may hear words of empowerment to be authentic, but when we do we are often reprimanded for being too real. Instead, we are taught to speak rationally, to express in a way that others are able to accept, and to be wary of triggering others when we communicate how we truly feel — it is the practice of suppressing words of emotion, so that we can avoid having to face unpleasant responses. As a result, we learn to sift, filter, and refine over and over again what we truly want to express and subdue the caliber we need to express it with.
We do that in both personal and professional areas of our life. Professionally, we have learned to communicate in a way that pleases our colleagues or customers so we can continue to make money. Personally, we have learned to sustain harmony in relationships by sacrificing our own voice at times. While our rational mind is necessary to achieve goals and maintain peace in our environment, too much of it can make us feel unseen, unknown, and trapped.
The way our heart and soul want to be seen takes on a different kind of practice, one that can feel uncomfortable, maybe even frightening at times. Because we will likely be much more emotionally invested. There are three important phases that can boost our courage to communicate authentically.
1. Building emotional horsepower
We live in a world that habitually asks “what do you think?” and not “how do you feel?”.
I remember my very first therapy session in my late 20s, during the process of my divorce. I walked into my therapist’s office without a clue what therapy was all about. I spent the first 6 sessions confused about his question: “How do you feel?” I thought I had an answer to every question — I was quite the know-it-all back then. Yet, that simple question stumped me time after time. Growing up in a family (perhaps culturally too) that didn’t talk about feelings, I had all the answers to “what do you think?” but didn’t really know how to describe how I felt, other than the expected answers such as I feel cold, sick, excited, mad, etc. But our emotional world is much more complicated than that.
What does this have to do with communicating authentically?
Well, emotion is essentially energy in motion, and the act of communicating in this manner propels our energy in motion. In order to create and sustain the habit of communicating from our heart, we need to build our emotional capacity for it first, because it is a powerful skill to possess. Expressing our authenticity requires us to confront the full spectrum of our own emotions. The more we are able to witness and embrace our own emotions, the more we will feel comfortable expressing them to others. And the more we will be able to handle the responses we receive for revealing more of our authentic self.
If we are honest with ourselves, witnessing our own emotions can be daunting. This practice forces us to see who we truly are and what we truly want to be known as. What’s even harder is having someone, and often someone close, reflect our emotions back to us. What that often triggers is the realization that we haven't truly accepted our own emotions, because we have a hard time accepting the mirrored reflection of ourselves in others. When we judge our own emotions, we fear others' judgment as well. When we are able to release our need to judge, we also release the shame that blocks us from expressing or communicating truthfully.
The beautiful side effect of that is we also release our judgment towards others’ emotions and create a safe space to form healthier and deeper relationships.
“Communicating authentically from our heart is about self-love. And the extension of self-love is love and connection with all other living beings.”
2. Detaching from outcomes
Practicing being more authentic often makes us feel more vulnerable. Communicating our authenticity is, in a way, putting our heart on the line. When we reveal the deeper truths within ourselves, we may experience a range of emotions, such as:
Excitement — I am finally allowing myself to be seen!
Fear — I might risk losing some of the relationships that mean a lot to me.
Anxiousness — Am I saying the right things? What if I miscommunicate?
Letting go of expectations of how others will respond helps bring us back to the present and deal with only our present needs, which is our desire to be seen authentically. It is easier said than done, and it can be a slow process that requires much practice.
Before we can let go of expectations and detach from the outcomes of our authenticity, we must understand what neutrality feels like. We can do that by recalling a peaceful moment in our life and sitting in stillness with that feeling until we connect with it deeply. This connection will remind us what being in our own presence feels like. Our own presence without external influence is always peaceful. Feelings of anxiety or fear are influences from the past or future which do not exist in the present. When we understand the concept of maintaining focus in the present, we will also begin to understand the detachment of outcomes, which only lives in the future and are unknown.
What if there is an undesirable outcome? Maybe a family member reacts badly to what I communicate — wouldn’t it be better if I mentally prepare myself?
When we let go of expectations, there will be no more surprises. We leave room for anything to happen when there is no expectation. There will no longer be a good reaction or a bad reaction from someone, there is simply a reaction, which we do not own nor can control. When an outcome emerges, a new present moment also materializes. When you are able to connect to your moment of peace in every present moment you are presented with, you will notice that the reaction from someone else, however emotional it may be, isn’t yours but theirs, and you do not need to allow for that reaction to affect your authenticity, which you do own.
3. Letting love decide on what and how to communicate
We do have a certain responsibility, mostly to ourselves, but to society as well, to communicate accurately who we truly are in our hearts. It’s not about being honest, it’s not about hurting others, it’s not even about our conscience or consequences. Rather, it is about bringing our desires, thoughts, words, and action into alignment and understanding how we truly want to serve the world around us.
Communicating authentically from our heart is about self-love. And the extension of self-love is love and connection with all other living beings. So it is only natural to allow love to drive what and how we want to communicate, and trust that the love in our heart will direct us on a path of authenticity.
What does that look like? I feel like saying what’s in my heart is what generally gets me in trouble.
Our heart’s true voice is never fearful, offensive, or confusing. What I have observed is that when we express ourselves without the confidence of authenticity, we infuse our voice with fear and doubt. It is in our lack of clarity that we communicate with our ego’s voice. In that voice, we communicate energetically to others that we are not sure if we are saying the right things, please don’t think we are bad, or please don’t judge us for telling the truth. In other words, that voice is infused with expectations.
A loving voice from the heart removes those fears. When you have ample emotional horsepower (step 1), and you have detached from outcomes (step 2), you will see that the willingness to be vulnerable opens your heart and allows it to guide you to finding your unique way of communicating authentically. It may not look like anyone else’s. It may not be the loudest, or the most pleasant, or the most obvious. It may not even be in the form of your speaking voice. But it will be uniquely yours.
When you know you are headed in the right direction is when you are able to feel your heart and soul prance in joy. You can practice that by starting small. Each time you communicate a small piece of your authentic self to someone, you will likely want to share more. The more you share, the more you will want to keep sharing. To whom you’re sharing with and the responses you receive will gradually stop to matter, because you will no longer need external validation. The sheer practice of putting yourself out there to be seen or heard is enough. The joy you feel in your heart and soul will be the only validation you will need to keep going.
When we reach a certain point where authenticity is our only way of being, we will feel so full of love and support that our only way of communicating is the loving way. When we reach that point, we will no longer fear if we say the wrong things or the possibility of offending someone, because we know deeply that everything we communicate comes from a place of love.
