How to Reduce Internal Conflicts and Confusions

“If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.” — Marvin Gaye

We all periodically feel conflicted or confused by certain ideas, directions, or series of events that happen in our lives. When we frequently feel this way, turning into constant confusion and frustration, is when we need to take a step back, observe, and examine our inner world to see what’s really going on.

Internal conflicts occur when feelings, thoughts, words, and actions are not in alignment.

Imagine telling a lie to a friend to spare her feelings, then that friend finds out she was lied to. It could put a small rift in your relationship, couldn’t it? Similarly, when your feelings, thoughts, words, and actions are not aligned, it puts a rift internally between relationships with your body, mind, heart, and soul. 

Now imagine telling yourself a lie, such as “I don’t need anyone in my life, I am perfectly happy being alone” when you truly desire companionship. That creates a conflict between your heart and mind. Over time, if you keep repeating those types of lies you could find yourself constantly struggling with internal battles, and quite often in frustration. Then one day, all of a sudden, your body, mind, heart, and soul have become disconnected from each other.

Examples of misalignments:

• You want to build your own successful business but you are afraid you might not have what it takes, so you tell yourself it would take too much work and pursue a full-time job instead.

• You're against bullying, but do nothing when it happens in front of you and hope someone else will step in instead.

• You want to find a kind partner and get married but to not seem desperate you tell your friends marriage is not for you.

• You want this high-paying job, but your gut tells you it would make you unhappy. You accept the job anyway.

• You advocate to others to recycle and reduce environmental footprint but you constantly purchase nonbiodegradable products.

I was excellent at fighting with myself. In fact, I was so good at it I was proud of the ability to talk myself in and out of anything. It was a skill I had acquired as an adult to present myself in a way that I was liked by everyone, to protect my feelings, and to keep out of trouble. 

I was constantly trying to “outsmart” myself and those around me, trying to perfect the appearances of being honest but not too honest, being upset but not really showing it, being smart but not threatening, looking good but not glamorous, establishing career goals but not seeming eager, etc. I was stuck in this cycle for many years, afraid of what might happen if I showed too much of who I was to the world. Little did I know, all that did was disconnect me further from the life I was truly meant to have.

I was finally tired of being that way. I started to meditate on a time in my life when I felt comfortable, carefree, and unlimited. It took me back to a time when I spoke freely of how I felt, what I valued, and how people should treat each other. I wasn’t popular but I had the priceless luxury of feeling authentically myself. Since then, I had refined my communication approaches but lost my most precious asset — authenticity.

I decided to start a new way of being. One that would align with who I truly am inside and out, without disrespecting others. I knew it wasn’t for the faint of heart, and I may lose a few friends in the process. But if I did, they were probably never truly my friends to begin with. In exchange, I would find my true supporters.

Mindful steps to gradually realign yourself:

1. Pay close attention to your feelings

Your feelings are your guides letting you know what you truly desire. They will also tell you if something isn’t right or you are not yet ready for a certain experience. In every step of the way, look to your feelings for confirmation that you are going in the right direction. Does the thought of something or someone make you happy or sad? Do you feel lighter after you shared certain things about yourself? Do you feel more motivated after you have completed a task? Think / speak / do more of what makes you feel good.

2. See if your thoughts support your desires, or take you further away from what you truly want

You have control over your thoughts, with a little practice. Sometimes we put ourselves down or tell ourselves things are impossible to protect us from hurt and disappointment. When you find yourself doing that, quickly reel your thoughts back to the present moment and replace with a different thought. One that is supportive of the direction your heart wants to pursue. One that makes you feel motivated and free.

3. Speak truthfully about what you want and how you feel

This is often a tricky area. We don’t always express what we truly think or feel because it might hurt someone’s feelings, cause awkwardness, or instigate a conflict. While it is important to be sensitive and respectful of others, it is also important to let others get to know the real you. The more you do that (kindly) the more you will sift through and find like-minded people to be in your life. You will also establish more confidence being your authentic self.

4. Do what you say you are going to do

Every day there are people who say they will do something but don’t always come through. That is annoying to everyone, yet we all do it to some degree, and we’ve established an understanding that just happens sometimes.

While it is no big deal a lot of the time, if you allow this to happen regularly and it becomes a habit, then the credibility you have with yourself (not to mention with others) diminishes over time as well. More often it’s the ignored promises we make to ourselves that disappoint us most.