Beyond the Walls of Perfectionism: An Interview with Kristina Mand-Lakhiani
When I first came across Kristina’s new book, Becoming Flawesome, the title immediately intrigued me, as I was (and probably still am) notorious for being a perfectionist. Even though I pride myself on being as authentic as possible, I am also hard on myself and strive to always be better. This book spoke to me in many ways. But the vulnerability and transparency of this book presented a new layer of authenticity — that overcoming perfectionism isn’t about accepting our “flaws” or letting go of control. It is actually about giving ourselves an opportunity to go beyond our own limitations. It is about healthy relationships, happiness, fulfillment, and ultimately, the wisdom of how to live.
I was excited to have the opportunity to ask Kristina a few personal questions and dig a little deeper into her wisdom accumulated from years of personal and professional successes.
Kristina is an international speaker, entrepreneur, artist, philanthropist, and mother of 2 kids. As a co-founder of Mindvalley, a leading publisher in the personal growth industry, Kristina dedicated the last 20 years of her career to teachers like Michael Beckwith, Bob Proctor, Lisa Nichols, and many more.
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Q:
Being in this industry for a long time and having founded Mindvalley, did you feel pressure to write a “perfect” book? Was there a surrendering process you went through in order to write in such transparency?
A:
No, I've never felt pressured to write a perfect book because I understand that no book can truly be perfect. In fact, books are often a unique expression of their writers, especially when it comes to fiction. Fiction encompasses various elements beyond just the message, such as the beauty of language and storytelling.
My benchmark for writing is actually classical literature, which has never been perfect. It has always evolved. Just like in nature, perfection doesn't exist. The entire process of evolution is based on imperfections and deviations from the so-called norm. It's these imperfections that have led to the beautiful diversity we see on our planet.
I never aimed for perfection in my writing. However, there was a process of surrender involved. Sometimes, you may feel that you're unable to express yourself clearly, and that's when you need to push through despite the feeling that you could do better. This process of surrender, though, mainly occurred during the editing and publishing stages of the book.
During these stages, the struggle wasn't so much with perfection but rather with the expectations and conventions imposed by society. There is often a clash between our unique self-expression and the prescribed ways of talking about and selling non-fiction books. We are often told what we need to do to succeed, which may contradict our authentic voice.
So, yes, there was a sense of surrender, but for me, it wasn't about striving for a perfect book or desiring perfection in writing.
Q:
In our current world we value logic so much that the question we hear most often is “What do you think?” VS. “What do you feel?” Your book touches so much on accepting and loving what we feel. How important would you say it is to allow ourselves to fully feel what we feel?
A:
Well, naturally, I consider it very important to be in touch with our feelings. One of the contemporary problems in our society is emotional numbness, where we convince ourselves that we're not supposed to feel. As if not feeling makes us superior or more enlightened human beings. In reality, we're just disconnected from that aspect of our human existence. Also, feelings are given to us for a reason. Just like physical pain draws our attention to parts of our body that need healing, our emotions serve a purpose.
So, yes, I believe that feeling or being in touch with our feelings is crucial. Now, what's even more important, especially in the context of contemporary society, is that we're not only told not to feel, but also not to trust our feelings or judge them as wrong. That, I believe, is the bigger problem. The fact that we're told not to trust ourselves and our emotions, considering them inferior. Now, there's a distinction between acknowledging and trusting our feelings and acting solely based on them. And this is the final piece of the puzzle. I strongly emphasize that we need to not only be aware of our feelings, listen to them, name them, and trust them, but also learn to detach from those discoveries and make choices based on our values rather than solely on the ever-changing emotional landscape we experience.
In short, we need to cultivate emotional literacy and become more adept in understanding our emotional lives.
Q:
How do you define happiness?
A:
I'm really tempted to say that I don't define happiness. I simply experience it. But I must admit, it's a wise question. How can we attain something if we don't define it? How can we research something without a clear definition? Although happiness is on everyone's lips, we don't have a precise definition.
The problem lies in how society understands happiness. We tend to see it as some kind of emotion. And here's where I see a major issue with defining happiness as an emotion—it becomes elusive, as emotions are inherently fluid and subject to change as we experience them.
So, my definition of happiness is more about a state—a state of contentment, peace, acceptance, and active engagement in one's life. It's a particular state characterized by a combination of feelings and emotions. The crucial point is that, as a state, happiness becomes more attainable. It can be cultivated, studied, and researched.
If we define happiness as a state, it becomes more practical. However, I must mention that this topic goes much deeper than its definition alone. I feel it may be unfair to leave it at that. Nevertheless, understanding happiness is essential. It's a unique state that each person must define and aspire to.
While society can generally define success more clearly and reach a consensus about it, happiness is a much more individual phenomenon. Different people find contentment, peace, and a sense of purpose in life based on diverse circumstances. We all require different ingredients to feel at peace and happy.
Therefore, I believe happiness is an important and unique state. I encourage every individual to take the time to reflect and ask themselves what brings them happiness and how they can maximize that state in their own lives.
“When we hold ourselves and others to such high standards, our relationships begin to suffer. Our loved ones also bear the consequences. But perhaps most importantly, if our tolerance for personal imperfections is low—and let me assure you, nobody is perfect—we struggle to handle those moments of imperfection.” — Kristina Mand-Lakhiani
Q:
At what point in your life did you realize that Perfectionism is holding you back? Was there a specific experience that led you to an epiphany?
A:
I don't think there was any specific moment or day or epiphany that occurred. Actually, during one of the many training sessions, I heard this phrase “perfect spells paralysis”, and it kind of gave me a glimpse into what perfectionism truly means and how it manifests in one's life.
But generally, when we talk about perfectionism, we don't really perceive it as a fault subconsciously. We often view it as something that characterizes us in a positive light, despite the heavy burden it carries. So when people claim that their biggest flaw is perfectionism, it's like a hidden way of boasting. I don't believe people truly understand how debilitating perfectionism can be. We often revel in it rather than taking any action to address it.
Of course, being a perfectionist can make you feel overwhelmed and unwilling to take on certain projects. The pressure to make everything perfect can be so intense that it becomes paralyzing. But what's even worse, and we rarely discuss it, is that perfection also instills fear in us—fear of failure and fear of our personal imperfections. This fear leads us down a dark path where we tend to avoid challenging situations or competitions because failure seems unbearable. Additionally, having a low tolerance for personal imperfections adds to the burden.
Perfectionists set a high bar for themselves and for the world, and it becomes a tremendous burden not only for oneself but also for loved ones. Often, the constant demands for perfection from perfectionists take a toll on their families, causing suffering.
Moreover, when we hold ourselves and others to such high standards, our relationships begin to suffer. Our loved ones also bear the consequences. But perhaps most importantly, if our tolerance for personal imperfections is low—and let me assure you, nobody is perfect—we struggle to handle those moments of imperfection. Perfectionists often find themselves tempted to deny or fight against their imperfections, leading to a slippery slope. Ultimately, this path leads us to a dead end where we feel unhappy, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, and overworked.
So, no, I can't say I ever had an epiphany. It's more like a long-standing relationship with my perfectionist side throughout my life that has made me understand how damaging it can be. That part of me, if not managed and controlled, has the potential to ruin one's life. It's crucial to learn how to rein it in and not let it have control over your life.
Q:
From your experience, what are the biggest misconceptions about authenticity, vulnerability, and self-love?
A:
Well, answering that question adequately would require a rather lengthy response. So, I'm not sure how to condense it, but perhaps the simplest approach would be to let authenticity and vulnerability be for now. These terms have been excessively used and abused, often weaponized or used as mere decorations. Maybe we should just let them be for a while and not keep throwing them at each other.
The truth is, neither authenticity nor vulnerability have been thoroughly defined or deeply researched enough for us to claim a comprehensive understanding of these phenomena. Especially when we consider them from the perspective of psychological research, for example. However, in my view, authenticity relates to our relationship with ourselves. Unfortunately, we often use the term to manipulate our relationships with the external world, as if authenticity can be employed to create trust or give the appearance of being genuine. To me, that already distorts its true meaning.
As for vulnerability, it is commonly understood as having the courage to act in the face of uncertainty. But we frequently demand vulnerability in situations where it may be unreasonable to ask for it. Sometimes, society exploits vulnerability to achieve specific goals, rather than embracing it as a genuine act of openness. Our understanding of what truly makes someone vulnerable is often distorted. I delve into these topics in detail in my book, dedicating entire chapters to them. Hence, summarizing them briefly feels inadequate.
Now, self-love is a slightly different subject. It is an area that has been under-researched, much like authenticity and vulnerability. While self-care is frequently discussed, self-love remains somewhat neglected. People are hesitant to explore it due to the numerous misconceptions surrounding the concept. Self-obsession, selfishness, and complacency are mistakenly seen as expressions of self-love when, in reality, they are symptoms of a lack of self-love. However, it is unfair to merely scratch the surface of these topics because they require in-depth comprehension and understanding of their essence.
When we only skim the surface, that's when distortions occur. We begin to misunderstand authenticity, thinking it's solely about our relationship with the outside world, rather than acknowledging its importance in our relationship with ourselves. Similarly, we may demand vulnerability or use it as a weapon, instead of recognizing it as an act of opening up to the world, whether that involves fear or self-love.
Personally, I'm not a proponent of discussing these profound phenomena superficially. In fact, I'm quite opposed to it. I believe that when we fail to explore their depths and truly grasp their essence, we end up doing more harm than good.
Q:
What advice would you give to parents who want to raise their kids to have high hopes and dreams, but also want to make them feel okay to be imperfect?
A:
Well, first of all, when we raise kids, God, the kids' topic is such a deep topic in itself. You can try to teach your kids all sorts of values, concepts, and tricks, but the truth is that they will emulate you and they will copy your attitude to the world.
So how do you encourage them to have big hopes and dreams? Well, you are hopeful. You set yourself big goals. You have an optimistic outlook into your future. You have ambition and courage to go out and challenge yourself. And then your kids will learn by looking at you.
But also when they do something, rather than shooting them down or scaring them off from the things they want to do, you encourage them. But on the other hand, it's not like big dreams and hopes and acceptance of your imperfections are contradictory. Not at all. On the contrary, the more you accept your imperfections, the more at peace you are with the idea that you may fail, the kinder you are to your imperfections and failures.
So when your tolerance for your own failures and personal imperfections is high, the bigger your courage is to go and challenge yourself. If people think it's either big goals or accepting your imperfections, then they are misunderstanding the whole thing. Being at peace with your imperfections, being at peace with the fact that you may fail, is exactly what gives you the courage to go and challenge yourself.
It's exactly what gives you the courage to set big goals because you know that you don't need to achieve your goals to be perfect or super successful to deserve your own love and approval. You know that you can give your own love and approval to yourself just because you are, not because you have achieved something. Then you have the courage to go and achieve things.
And if we come back to the same analogy with children, you know, children, when they try to do something new, they look around and they often want encouragement from their parents to say, "You're doing well." And then they get the courage to go on and try something else. When parents are pushy and praise only achievements, but get angry or shaming when their kids fail, such kids usually close up and are afraid.
When a kid is afraid of punishment, that's when the kid will not go and try to achieve something. So that would be a short answer to this question.
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Kristina Mand-Lakhiani is an international speaker, entrepreneur, artist, philanthropist, and mother of 2 kids. As a co-founder of Mindvalley, a leading publisher in the personal growth industry, Kristina dedicated the last 20 years of her career to teachers like Michael Beckwith, Bob Proctor, Lisa Nichols, and many more.
She started her career in a government office in her native Estonia and, by her mid-20s, achieved a level of success mostly known to male politicians at the end of their careers. It was shortly after that Kristina and her then-husband Vishen founded Mindvalley. From a small meditation business operating out of the couple’s apartment in New York, the company quickly grew into a global educational organization offering top training for peak human performance to hundreds of thousands of students all around the world.
Kristina believes life is too important to be taken seriously and makes sure to bring fun into every one of her roles: as a teacher, mother, entrepreneur, philanthropist, and world traveller. Kristina helps her students to virtually hack happiness by taking them through her unique framework - “Hacking happiness” - a unique framework of balancing your life, taking in every moment, and paying close attention to the small daily choices.
Kristina is also the author of three transformational quests - "7 Days To Happiness", "Live By Your Own Rules.” and "The Art of Being Flawesome". Kristina talks about personal transformation, authenticity, understanding and accepting oneself, and a path to happiness.
You can find more information about Kristina here: Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and website.
