How to Manage Emotional Triggers and Become Less Reactive in Daily Life

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” — Marcus Aurelius

We each go through life doing our best to surround ourselves with people and environments that bring us peace, security, love and support. But no matter how successful we are at that, we will inevitably encounter situations that stir up emotions and cause us to lose our calm. For some, this may be a regular occurrence on a weekly or even daily basis.

Experiencing triggered emotions is simply human. We each have our own specific pain points that others may not be aware of or understand. The speed and intensity of those reactions vary from person to person. On top of that, the mood we are in, the person we are talking to, the situation we are in can also contribute to how we handle each moment. 

For example, if someone walked by and bumped us in the elbow, we may just shrug it off if we are having an overall good day. If someone walked by and bumped into us while we were having a stressful day in an uncomfortably stuffy room, we might feel more aggravated. And if that someone who bumps us happens to be someone we know and is regularly disrespectful of us, we may feel more offended and angry from within and be ready to confront them, regardless if what happened was an accident or not. When emotions become heightened quickly, we often don’t have time to process a situation with logic.

What’s considered an emotional trigger

An emotional trigger is any external factor that causes an internal emotional uprising.

Emotional triggers are unique to each individual, based on our personality, upbringing, life experiences, current circumstance, etc. Many of them are most likely caused by something that’s been bothering us for a long time but we never expressed or resolved. For example, if you were bullied a lot growing up and never confronted those experiences, you might become triggered by anyone who speaks to you in a pushy tone of voice. Or, if you have experienced a lot of disappointments in your life then you might feel triggered every time you sense someone is about to say “no” to you.

And of course, there are triggers for elated emotions too. Most of us experience excitement when someone surprises us with great news, or when someone brings us an amazing gift. Those types of triggers usually generate a very positive response. When things don’t go our way, however, or when someone treats us poorly, is when we can potentially react emotionally and possibly make a situation worse.

Types of emotions that can arise from a trigger

A variety of heightened emotions can come up as a result of being triggered, ranging from feeling hurt, disrespected, disappointed to feeling overwhelmed, ecstatic, shocked, etc. Most people associate being reactive with anger and hurt, but some of the elated and positive emotions can throw us off balance just as much, causing us to react irrationally. Though those reactions may not be as detrimental as ones generated from anger and hurt.

Identifying your trigger

Recognizing or identifying when you’ve become triggered is a matter of paying close attention to your feelings and internal state of being. This could take a little practice but it gets easier with time as you get better and faster at recognizing what’s going on inside you.

Start by getting to know yourself and some of the patterns you seem to have. For example, do you always burst into anger when someone calls you a name and want to retaliate? Do you always feel deeply hurt when someone rejects you and want to lash out? Or, do you always become fearful and want to run away when someone extends love to you? Once you know your pattern(s), you will not only be able to catch yourself right away, you will also be able to identify any new trigger more swiftly when they show up.

Next, pay attention when a shift happens inside your body. Try to notice any difference you are experiencing. Does your chest feel a little tighter? Did your heart rate increase a little? Are you starting to clench your fist or your jaw? These are some of the signs that you’re triggered and your body is experiencing stress as a result.

Creating a gap

We can often say or do something we later regret when we react from a triggered state. That can even create a loop of more heightened emotions followed by more impulsive reactions, and so on and so forth.

Preventing that can be as simple as creating a short gap between the moment you feel triggered and the moment of your response. Sometimes one deep breath is all it takes. Sometimes three deep breaths, and sometimes overnight with a nice long aromatic bath, depending on how much you are triggered and how deeply it is affecting you.

Creating that gap gives your body and mind the time to reset, and allows you the space to reflect on what actually happened. Sometimes, it is simply recalling the conversation and recognizing where a misunderstanding might have occurred. Others might be recalling a childhood experience that left you traumatized, causing you to be triggered whenever you face a similar experience. Whatever it may be, having that space, whether it’s 3 seconds or 3 days, will allow you time to choose the response that best serves you.

Responding from neutrality

While most people are aware that responding mindfully from a calm state is the mature and best approach, few have described the afterglow of having done so.

I’ve met quite a few people who felt justified in their reactions because they think responding well when feeling wronged only serves those who initiated the trigger. They even feel they have every right to release their anger or to give others a piece of their mind. 

I feel, in order to respond differently in a situation, we have to want to first. And we need to understand that responding mindfully in a heated or triggered moment is not for the other person’s well-being, it is for our own. 

Diffusing a difficult situation or maintaining (even bettering) a relationship is the best and highest possible solution in any confrontational moment. It not only allows for peace of mind, it also supports continuity and flow in general. The amount of self-respect and confidence generated is an elevated energy that your mind-body will remember. That energy will continue to show up in better and better ways for the rest of your life.