Identity and Trauma: Our Attachment to Past Wounds
“Self-knowledge is not knowledge but a story one tells about oneself.”
One day, in my early thirties, I found myself in a competitive conversation with someone about childhood traumas. We kept going back and forth, one-upping each other on who had it worse. I was baffled by my own behavior afterward and thought to myself, why did I participate in that? Why was I so defensive about my trauma stories? Why did I feel the need to win at being the biggest victim?
Somehow, my traumatic past made me feel special in a way. I had been telling those stories for so long that without them, I feared, I would just be ordinary. My whole life, people saw me as someone who had it easy and cruised through life. So I wanted to make sure I was given credit for all that I’d been through.
Since then, I’ve encountered quite a few people who were ready to jump into a similar type of conversation with me. Having recognized the reasons why I participated in the past, I’ve learned to quickly transition to the listener role to avoid the biggest victim competition. It wasn’t easy though, I’ll admit.
I soon realized I wasn’t the only one who felt the need to cling to past wounds. There was a certain appeal to being seen as someone who is strong and heroic enough to overcome life’s traumas and obstacles. I was trying to reinforce it as part of my identity, and as a human being, I was ready to defend my hard-earned identity when it was threatened.
Letting go of the same old stories
I believe we all want to leave our painful past behind and move on to live a happier life. But we can’t do that if we continue to identify with our traumas. Telling and retelling the same painful stories keeps us in alignment with our old self.
Letting go of the past takes work, especially if it played a big part in shaping who we are today. We want to retain what works for us but release what no longer serves us. In my case, I had to identify the part I was hanging onto that no longer worked for me — seeing myself as someone who struggled in life. Even though peace and harmony was what I was seeking, I was still identifying with someone who had to fight hard, subconsciously. It was a contradiction between who I wanted to be and who I saw myself as.
When we are ready to become who we want to be, we will stop telling the same old stories of who we used to be. And sometimes, the only way for us to come to that point is when we are finally sick of telling those stories over and over again. We will finally see that hanging onto those same old stories only keeps us down and prevents us from making the necessary changes in order to move forward.
Who are we without our traumas
When we are finally empowered to live our own life free of our past shadows, we are often faced with an important question: Who am I?
Chances are, we’ve all asked ourselves that question many times before. We were probably either distracted or ended up looking to others to answer this complex and profound question. When traumatic experiences happen in life, we are forced to shift our focus to deal with what’s in front of us rather than to wonder about the meaning of our existence. But in order to claim ownership of our life and live as the person we see ourselves to be, we will need to answer that question.
Our traumas may have helped shape us and led us to the skills we needed to survive, but they don’t define who we are. So who are we if we are not our traumas? If, hypothetically, nothing traumatic happened to us and we were provided with nothing but love, who would we become; which part of us would we nurture?
I go back to these 3 insights whenever I need more clarity on the answer:
Going back to early childhood — When you were most carefree, free of judgment and social pressure, who do you remember yourself to be?
Allowing your desires to guide you — What do you really desire in your life and what’s left unfulfilled?
Opening to unknown possibilities — Are you limiting yourself by only doing what’s familiar? Have you been opening yourself to explore new ways of thinking and doing?
Create a new heroic story
Letting go of our old traumatic stories doesn't make us any less heroic, though it can temporarily leave us feeling that way. Anytime we let go of something, it can feel like there is a void left to be filled. The void left by pain and hurt can leave us feeling lighter but also empty, because they were such a heavy burden. But the wonderful truth is, we now have the creative space to fill it with anything we want.
When we are brave enough to take ownership of our life, we are embarking on a hero’s journey! Our new life story is yet to be told and we are the author. We are in a position to reimagine a new story, with far less emphasis on our pain and struggles and more on our ability to convert obstacles in our favor.
We can begin doing this by changing the narrative of who we are. The next time we catch ourselves talking about how hard life is, we might talk about it from a different perspective — the perspective of someone who regularly sees obstacles as doorways for growth. Here’s an example:
Old story: “My life is full of hardships. I’ve always had to struggle to get what I want, I’ve never had it easy.”
New story: “I’ve always been able to overcome every obstacle in life. I get better and better at creating the life that I truly want.”
Let this new story we tell have more peace, love, adventures and victories rather than traumas and conflicts. Perhaps this story will spark a new life for us, or perhaps a new life will be born out of this story. It doesn’t really matter which comes first. When we tell a new story, our mind begins to connect to it. Our body begins to respond to it. Before we know it, we will begin to live it. The story we tell becomes the story we manifest.
