Why Hitting Rock Bottom Might Be Exactly What You Need to Transform

While everyone’s rock bottom may look differently, the feeling of being at rock bottom is probably very similar. It’s that feeling of utter incompetence and unworthiness, that you are as low and insignificant as a pile of rubble and you have no idea how to come back up.

For me, that feeling struck the year I got divorced. I was 28. A very young divorcee.

I was unprepared for what I was about to deal with, mentally and emotionally. I was the first in my family to get divorced so no one had any advice for me. Though I was never judged or criticized, I also never received comfort or support from family or friends — they simply avoided discussing my failed marriage. To this day, I don’t truly understand why. But I do know I didn’t know how to talk about it then.

Trying to navigate through the whole breakup process and cope with my depression following the divorce was too much. It was starting to affect my work and health, so I left my job and moved to a different city, as my way of escaping this nightmare of a reality. It was the best solution I could come up with.

I moved from a large 4-bedroom house into a 1-bedroom apartment, with no income, no one to talk to, and no idea how to pull myself out of this personal hell. Every waking moment in my apartment for the next year or so just reminded me that I was not in my beautiful house anymore. It was not the escape I had hoped for.

Nothing says rebirth like a clean slate

Apart from the breakup, I was also sad about not being able to take everything I love with me because they wouldn’t fit into my small apartment. I was very attached to my things. I tried hard to learn to live without the things I’d come to rely on in my everyday life.

A few months after I had settled into my new place, and new life, I suddenly realized one day just how much I didn’t need. I was doing just fine with the bare essentials. I felt strangely liberated from the amount of stuff that was weighing me down. I didn’t need place settings for 8 or a TV in the bedroom; I didn’t need a big walk-in closet or a giant roman tub; I also didn’t need a fireplace or a vaulted ceiling. They were all things external, and evidently none of them made me feel better about myself or my marriage.

The purging experience made me feel lighter and deeply cleansed, in a way. Through that experience, I learned to get to know myself just as I am, without being tied to any possessions.

We often associate our successes and failures based on how many external things we’ve accumulated—because of what we’ve been taught by our upbringing, our society, etc., but primarily because they are measurable. We’ve created a system that can be tracked to help us set standards, goals, and be able to trade economically. 

Somewhere along the way, we began to associate who we are and the value of our self-worth based on that system, and that's what I did without even realizing. But sometimes, the universe has an interesting way of showing you what you’re truly worth, by taking away everything else in your life that’s without real value and forcing you to reexamine yourself closely.

I felt as though I had lost everything, until I realized that I had only lost what’s outside of me, and that all can be regained. The more important question was who do I want to rebuild my world as this time? And that is the type of question I continue to ask myself whenever I encounter a setback: How do I allow this to better myself? What can I learn from this? What can I create from this?

You are only at rock bottom if you never get up

We all face hardships in life sooner or later, some more devastating than others. We can fall down at any moment, but no matter how hard we fall, we are never truly at rock bottom unless we decide to stay there.

The feeling of unworthiness is real in those moments, and our confidence can take a real beating. We might judge ourselves harshly and imagine all kinds of judgments from others too. Those thoughts and feelings can keep us down and keep us feeling unworthy. But as all thoughts and feelings, they are fleeting unless you believe in them and decide to live by them. If there is an ounce of disbelief that you are worthless and have nothing to offer, you will be able to get back up again. 

It’s important to treat yourself with plenty of compassion and allow yourself to feel, sort through, and process everything that comes up. Acknowledge what you are going through but also have the certainty that your situation is temporary. There is often an important lesson or realization attached to each obstacle in life. What you learn from your situation is quite possibly a catalyst that propels you toward an important life goal. See it as an opportunity for growth. Stack all the rocks you may find at the “bottom” and turn them into stepping stones.

Heal, grow, transform. Repeat.

Most of us will encounter more than just one or two hardships in life and they will most likely all look and feel differently from one another. There isn’t a set formula for everyone in every situation. But as long as we are still enough to listen to our body, mind, and heart, we can respond to each situation with patience and clarity.

Here is a brief outline of what to do from my own healing, growing, and transforming experiences:

Heal 

1. Rest, mentally and physically. 

2. Release or express what you are going through in a safe space. That can be in the form of writing in a journal, or talking things through with a good friend or a professional. Taking a trip somewhere new can also be cleansing.

3. Clear self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors. Recenter yourself with body-mind connecting practices like yoga, meditation, qigong, etc.

4. Let go of should’ve/would’ve/could’ve, when you are ready. 

Grow

1. Ask what you can learn from this experience, or imagine how your life can become more positive because of this experience.

2. Own your responsibilities from this experience. Sometimes no one is at fault but everyone is responsible for the outcome of their own choices.

3. Do a little soul searching and ask yourself, now that you have a clean slate to work with, what have you always wanted to invite into your life but never had a chance to, until now?

4. Be open to new possibilities or opportunities that resonate with your heart, even if it’s just temporary.

Transform

1. Love yourself and the new relationship with yourself no matter what.

2. Incorporate new habits and new thought patterns into your new life. Practice with consistency.

3. Notice in what ways you have changed and celebrate those changes.

4. Continue making adjustments until you are satisfied and can now see your past hardship as a blessing in disguise.

I hope the above outline can be of help and bring you comfort that there are always better days ahead as long as we keep looking forward. At times, our hardships can be overwhelming and we are unable to see any positives in the outcome. But a much better version of ourselves is always waiting for us at the other end, if we believe and are committed to our own growth and transformation.