Remember: We are All Lovable on This Valentine's Day
“We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dream to be weaving, and we all have the power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing.” — Louisa May Alcott
Another year. Another Valentine’s Day.
Local shops are inundated with the sea of red and pink love hearts, roses, chocolates, ribbons, and laces once again.
Even McDonalds is launching a limited-edition Valentine’s Day Chicken McNuggets box. It comes with pop-up heart-shaped handles and features “I love you” written in the top ten languages spoken in Australia.
Everywhere I look reminds me of my always single status in my 40-plus years of life. And sometimes the thought of it hurts.
Our society is constructed around the concept of a “normal” adulthood trajectory, involving marriage, children, and a shared retirement. It is not easy to be a single person, as many of us confront negative stereotyping and unconscious bias on a daily basis. We are often singled out by their families, social circles, and also businesses.
I have lost count of how many times people thought it would be okay to ask invasive questions like “how come you are STILL single” or make assumptions about my choices such as “don’t be too picky / you need to be more girly”, and how often people would give the look of pity when I travelled or dined alone.
Many cultures disparage women who are unmarried and childless using derogatory terms such as “spinster”, “old maid”, and sheng nu (which means “leftover woman” in Chinese.)
I used to think there must be something wrong with me.
Maybe it’s the way I look or dress–too neutral, and not girly enough? Maybe it’s my personality–too quiet and not fun enough? Maybe it’s my race, my IQ, my aura…the self-criticism never ended. Nothing was good enough.
Trying to make myself “good enough”, I read thousands of self-help books and relationship blogs and followed their advice without discernment. I compared myself against my coupled friends, colleagues and even strangers, copying the way they dress, talk, and behave. The longer I kept “improving” myself, the less I trusted my gut or listened to my heart.
Not wanting to feel the feeling of loneliness and insecurity, I threw myself into the busyness of work and study. I kept people at arm’s length. I pretended to be this strong, independent career woman who did not need or care about love and romance. Eventually I crashed and burned.
My chronic exhaustion and illnesses were rooted from, not only decades of overworking, but also years of rejecting my identity, needs and boundaries–all in the name of finding love.
A loving relationship starts with the self
After six years of therapy, I have finally realised my singleness had nothing to do with my look, my personality, or my intellect. It was rather a gift from my young, unconscious mind, made with a pure heart, trying to keep me safe from the perceived pain and suffering often associated with love and intimacy. When I avoided heartbreaks and rejections, I also blocked my heart from having fun, feeling joy, and connecting with people–all the things that are needed to kickstart romance.
To be fully human, we must welcome the full spectrum of emotions and experiences. The highs and the lows. Fun things and boring stuffs. Pleasure and suffering.
As Pema Chödrön said, “When we protect ourselves so we won’t feel pain, that protection becomes like armor, like armor that imprisons the softness of the heart.”
“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
The key to unlock healthy relationships at home, at work, with friends, and in love starts with cultivating a loving and unconditional friendship with oneself:
Nourish our body, mind, and soul through healthy habits and self-care practice.
Talk to ourselves gently and kindly, like we would to our loved ones (and pets).
Honour our needs for boundaries and let go of unhealthy things and people.
Acknowledge, accept, and forgive our past mistakes.
Be accountable of our actions and reactions in the present.
Have faith and relax into the unknowns of the future.
Embrace singlehood with pride
Remember: We are basically good. We are mere mortals who need love, companionship, and connection. We are lovable in spite of our quirks and flaws.
Looking back now, I have so much love and gratitude for my single life.
It has given me the time and space to know me and learn to be me and my own best friend.
It has inspired me to define and create my version of success.
It has gifted me the freedom and independence to write my story however I want.
It has propelled me to the road less travelled, collecting memories, lessons, and friendships that are beyond my imagination.
Even if I could go back in time, I would not change anything of my past. From now on, I wear my singleness with joy and pride. Our world needs more oddballs, free spirits, and wild hearts.
“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.” — Louisa May Alcott
