Rebuilding Self-Trust and Trust in Others

“If you cannot trust yourself fully then your trust in others is already compromised.”

As the old adage goes, “you only trust others as much as you trust yourself”. Trusting ourselves is a fundamental quality we must develop in order to trust others. We often see the world through our own lenses, therefore projecting our own self-doubts onto the people around us. 

The odds are against us, so it seems. From the minute we’re born, we’re taught that our natural tendencies are incorrect and need proper guidance. Some of us are even told growing up that our feelings are incorrect, which causes us to doubt ourselves from a very early age. And we continue to receive similar feedback in our adulthood, from parents, bosses, spouses, and friends. We’ve grown accustomed to questioning our thoughts, feelings, and decisions, fearing the cost of being “wrong” may be resentment or regret that could live with us for a long, long time. Yet, there is no hope of making the “right” decisions without the support of our own self-trust.

For me, that fear was never so apparent as when my marriage fell apart at the age of 28. Every decision I had ever made in my life became questionable when it was clear to me I had made a huge mistake marrying the wrong man. He was not who I thought he was and I was headed for a lifetime of unhappiness.

Up until then, I had rather unshakable confidence, having built a seemingly perfect life in my mid-20s — a great job as an art director, big house in a desirable neighborhood, and married to a doctor with family money. We had talked about children, what kind of life we both wanted, and plans for an ideal retirement (yup, we were both planners). Then almost literally overnight, that all became an illusion built on a pile of loose rubble. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t know how to fix it, except to leave it all behind and start over.

Though at 28, I didn’t have the wisdom to understand what I needed to start over in this kind of magnitude. I didn’t realize “picking up the pieces” for me included rebuilding self-trust and confidence as well. I was utterly and completely disappointed in myself for not “knowing better” and having “ruined my own life.” 

How could I ever trust myself to know what was good for me? I got me here.

For the next few years, I floated around the world (mostly around my home) questioning everything I said and did, wondering if I truly knew what I was saying and doing. I would overthink every question others asked me and over justify myself with every answer I gave. I made life much worse for myself on top of the already difficult time I was going through. As you can probably guess, I also made things very confusing for other people by not being able to give them a solid, definitive answer about anything. I even struggled with therapy sessions, not knowing how to communicate what exactly happened and what I needed because I honestly didn’t know if I was saying the “right” things. It was as if my entire belief system had flipped upside down.

The next phase of my severe self-doubt was to prove to everyone that I did know what I was saying and doing. I am a smart, capable, independent woman, who is just dealing with a setback in life. Of course I know how to rebuild my life all over again, as good as new! Thus began a few years of defensiveness and self-righteousness. 

Even though I behaved as if I knew everything, my confidence still wobbled from the detriment of my divorce. It was one of the few mistakes I’d made in life and it happened to be a monumental one. 

Deep down, I still couldn’t trust myself, so of course that meant my judgment of character also couldn’t be trusted. After all, I trusted my ex-husband 100% and that turned out to be a huge mistake. I no longer knew what to look for in a trustworthy person and I didn’t trust my intuition either. But I learned quickly I couldn’t live life second-guessing myself every step of the way, proven by a lost and chaotic period in my life of going along with anyone who sounded more assured than I was.

Then came the point when I didn’t recognize myself and who I’d become. Whatever happened to that smart, confident person who could solve any problem in life? Had she completely thrown in the towel and given up taking charge of her own life? I heard an internal sigh and a whisper “yes,” but the fighter in me shouted “but that’s not who you are!”

It was time to regain my self-trust and confidence. And it took a lot of self-reflection, mindfulness, and discipline to overcome the blockages standing in my way. 

Give up expectations

I was raised to not make mistakes, perform well in front of others, excel at everything I did, and to always put others’ needs before my own. My constant state of being was that of perfectionism, unconsciously of course. To me, that was how the rest of the world operated as well. It was all I knew. Naturally, when anyone fell short of being perfect, I was disappointed. 

My divorce, in hindsight, was a blessing in disguise. It really opened my eyes and mind to see a whole new world — a world of compassion. To see that I was, in fact, not perfect. And from that brand new perspective, I knew if I was going to trust myself and others in a healthy manner, I had to give up expectations of myself and others and allow everyone the freedom to just be.

In order to trust yourself (and others), you must believe you are being guided through life on the right path — your own path. Sure, there may be uncertain times or setbacks, but you are making the best possible decision to the best of your knowledge. Allowing yourself and everyone else to freely explore their own ways of being gives all of us the freedom to be the best versions of ourselves.

Develop more love and compassion for yourself

Giving up expectations will essentially nurture more love and compassion for yourself as well as others in your life. If somewhere in your past you were taught it’s unacceptable to be less than perfect, like I was, you’ve probably spent years striving for an unattainable goal and self-image. Accepting there’s no need for you to prove anything to anyone lets you love yourself as you are, wherever you are in life, therefore creating room to accept others as they are, too. This builds a bond between any two people acknowledging you’re both learning, growing, and a work in progress.

Recognize our own shortcomings and where others excel

It’s hard to let go and trust if we are constantly judging ourselves in terms of “right” or “wrong,” “good” or “bad.” Trusting ourselves also means trusting we are all a perfectly imperfect element and part of a greater plan. We’re all evolving beings and are here to help balance each other. None of us are meant to do it all on our own.

Notice some of the things you are simply not good at while some of your friends may excel at it. It’s humbling to come to terms with our own shortcomings and see how others can complement us. This shows the importance of trusting each other; we are all meant to work in synergy and co-create together as a species, which makes trusting others to have our best interest all the more important.

Accept when it is your choice to trust

Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? In reality, this takes a good deal of maturity, self-control and personal boundaries. Extending the gift of trust means you’re allowing someone to get closer to you, and can sometimes put yourself in a vulnerable position. But what would life be without trust? It’s the only way for any of us to form meaningful relationships, whether personally or professionally.

Listen to your intuition on who you should trust. Whether you organically grow closer to someone or make a conscious decision to pursue a close relationship, acknowledge your ownership in this decision. Remain neutral about your own expectations of how they should reciprocate. When you understand it is your choice to trust, you are also in a position to choose differently, if necessary. Just because you trusted someone once, doesn’t mean you have to keep trusting them if they show you signs of concern. 

Betrayal happens but it is not all about you

Repercussions of betrayal can certainly be devastating. Just as I’ve felt anger, loss, hurt, confusion, self-doubt, and feelings I feared I may never recover from, it’s the single most convincing reason why anyone wouldn’t want to trust again.

Strong ego reactions usually take place after a betrayal, which is what makes it so difficult to get over. Our self-confidence takes a beating and we automatically start to question our own judgment, blame ourselves for not knowing better, and wonder what we could have done to prevent it. 

It’s important in this scenario to not make everything about you. Just as it’s your responsibility to trust and be trustworthy, it is the others’ responsibility to do the same. It is also their responsibility to reconcile their decision and actions. What will bring you inner peace is trusting that there is something positive to be gained from this experience. Whether it’s a lesson to be learned, a behavior that needs adjustment, or a karmic debt that needs to be erased, this experience, like many other seemingly traumatic life experiences, will help you move forward in life with more clarity, if you allow it. At the end of the day, life will always offer more to those who remain open to trust again.