Is Boosting Your Ego the Secret to Better Mental Health?
“Self-esteem begins with self-understanding, grows with courage and perseverance, ends with confidence. ”
The Ego gets such a bad rap these days. There are many self-improvement books and lectures that talk about the Ego being the voice of fear and limitation. What they don’t typically talk about is that the Ego is also our self-identity, our sense of self-worth, and who we are as an individual. I’ve come across many conversations prefaced with “That’s just my ego talking…” or “I don’t mean to sound so egotistical…” accompanied by a slight sense of guilt. The statements were followed by mere expressions of how they truly felt. Though I appreciated the sensitivity, I didn’t think a sense of guilt was warranted, which got me thinking, are we suppressing our Ego a little too much?
I enjoy meeting and talking with eclectic groups of people. And because of what I do, I am fortunate to have met many interesting individuals from all walks of life, and therefore have encountered a wide range of Ego varieties, on a scale of 0-10. 0 would be a complete lack of Self, lost and confused without a sense of direction, and 10 would be an over-important sense of Self, without awareness of others’ wants and needs with relation to their own.
It might be of interest to you that I place a healthy and balanced Ego at around 7. That is just a meter I’ve come up with to keep my own Ego in check and assess where I might be existentially. My point here isn’t to provide a meter to measure everyone’s Ego, or to pass judgment on how someone with a healthy Ego should behave. It is to point out that we should take care not to crush our Ego — because we need it in order to live well. And as with all things, balance and moderation is key to keeping a healthy Ego.
Self-identity comes before Oneness
I grew up in a culture where conformity comes before individualism. A sense of Self is often sacrificed for the greater good of the group and society at large. In fact, it is expected. The phrases “I want” or “I need” were not in my vocabulary growing up. You took whatever was offered to you and you appreciated it. Trying to stand out or having a strong opinion against others would get you into a lot of trouble. So I, as well as many in my generation, have learned not to feed our sense of Self too deeply. Immigrating to a culture very different from my own reinforced it even more (though ironically, to a culture that heavily encourages individualism); I essentially had to forget most of my self-identity and adopt a new one. While my thinking of the greater good, or Oneness, was established, I had lost my sense of Self, my individual Ego. For years, I struggled to describe who I am to others because it seemed too complicated.
And this continues to be my area of development — balancing my sense of Self and connection to Oneness of the whole. I realized before we can carry out our desire for unity in this world, we need to each feel at peace and whole first. That means having a healthy sense of who we are as an individual and in what ways we can contribute to the vast Oneness we call humanity, our planet, or our universe. If we cannot respect ourselves as an individual first, we cannot understand how to respect others and the true value of Interdependence — the way we are intertwined with one another and that we are all in this to thrive, and not self-destruct, together.
The positive effects of a healthy Ego
For many who grew up having to sacrifice their sense of self for the sake of conformity, encouraging a clearer sense of Self might be one of the most important areas to work on. For those of you who grew up in even more suppressing conditions, especially if you are not used to feeling good about who you are, be sure to make building your self-esteem a priority.
Before we can dissolve our fears and limits, feel safe to be ourselves, carry out our life purpose, etc., we need a solid foundation of who we are, as well as who we are not. Otherwise, we are impressionable and easily influenced by any other forces outside of ourselves. This foundation is built on a fair amount of discipline, plus a healthy dose of nurturing the Ego.
How you were raised plays a big part in the development of a healthy Ego, regardless of what culture you were from. You might not have grown up in an environment where exploring who you are is encouraged. Maybe you were not shown what clear boundaries look like. Maybe you were criticized for doing the things you love to do. Or maybe, you were simply ignored when you expressed what makes you happy and what deeply hurts you. Basically, being seen and heard in a way that acknowledges your existence as a person did not exist for you.
Some of the things that could bring confusion to the Self and crush the Ego:
Consistently being discouraged or put down
Consistently being told your feelings are “wrong”
Consistently being told what you enjoy doing isn’t important
Frequently feeling abandoned
Frequently feeling neglected
Constantly feeling others’ needs are more important than yours
Lack of boundaries, or boundaries constantly being violated
Disappointment or remorse in your own personal conduct
If you have felt unseen or are feeling a bit lost as to who you are, a sufficient amount of ego boost could help establish (or reestablish) yourself as an individual soul, in the here and now. A great deal of benefits can result in a healthy ego boost:
Provide you a sense of worthiness to take up space
Show you the values you bring to the world
Allow you to make decisions with confidence
Take more ownership of your happiness
Build more love and compassion for yourself
Allow you to relate to others more easily and comfortably
Open yourself up to more love and assistance from others
Give you a sense of direction and purpose in life
Ways to nurture a healthy Ego
1. Find your passion and talent
In a rather recent personal development webinar, when the discussion of finding one’s passion and purpose emerged, this comment came from several different people: “I have no passion and no talent, how do I set goals and purpose for my life?” I was pleased to hear the host’s reply: “Then let’s find your passion and your talent first” because I personally don’t believe anyone in this world is without a single talent and has nothing to offer. I believe there are only unexplored passions and talents which lead to an aspiring purpose. If that happens to be where you are at, it is time to nurture your Ego and cultivate a healthy sense of Self, starting by exploring everything that appeals to you.
I acknowledge the mental challenge that could exist for those of you who felt that way most of your life, if exploring your interests was not allowed in childhood and self-expression was suppressed. If you feel the pursuit of doing something that brings you joy is out of reach and a luxury you don’t have, then let’s begin by changing your mindset into seeing it as a necessity for your health and well-being — from there will spark a light within you that expands outward to all other areas of life.
The exploration can start as simple as going along with a friend for a new activity, or traveling to a new place you wouldn’t normally think to visit. It really doesn’t matter what you do and to what scale you do it, as long as you go in with enough curiosity and openness. Maybe you’ll find something that hits you right away, maybe you will go through many new activities until you find something that sticks. Or maybe, you will discover the act of exploring new activities is your new passion. The point is to do what you’re drawn to and keep doing it. At some point, your interest could turn into a passion, your passion could turn into a skill, and your skill could turn into a life purpose.
2. Define your values and character
This is a broad yet subjective category that will look different from person to person. By defining the person you are or the person you want to be, you begin to draw a roadmap to how you want to live your life. Having a clear roadmap of who you are or who you are becoming will boost your overall self-esteem as a respectable individual. At the end of the day, our respect for ourselves surpasses any external accomplishments outside of us. We are more often than not disappointed in ourselves than of others. In a sense, that is our Ego feeling bruised for letting ourselves down.
By defining your values and following through, you will develop your character along the way, and increase your sense of self-worth. Every time we align what we think, say, and do, we define and establish who we are inside and out. Over time, everyone around us begins to respect who we are as well when we show up consistently as the person we want to be.
This is an ongoing process and a work in progress for even the best of us. We can slip and forget, or give into temptation or confusion. Allow yourself plenty of compassion when that happens, but make a mental note to come back to the person you are and keep growing in that direction.
3. Be around people who support and nurture you
Very few of us have the will and determination to walk our path alone. Even so, somewhere down the road, we need a community of loving and caring people to keep us afloat when we need it most.
This journey of building (or rebuilding) self-esteem is a healing journey, and it is not for the faint of heart. You will want to be around those who understand and encourage your brave endeavor. This is a time for inward reflection and contemplation and not a time to face those who are prone to criticize you harshly or diminish what you’re doing. Once your Ego feels healthy and balanced, you will be prepared to confront those personalities from a high sense of self-esteem. In the meantime, give yourself permission to seek out those who will acknowledge you, give you words of affirmation, and validation from a place of sincerity.
While our current self-improvement trends discourage the voice of Ego, I write this article hoping to counterbalance their extremity. We don’t want an overly inflated Ego, but we also don’t want to crush our Ego. We are each unique with different gifts to offer and we cannot judge our every thought or every expression fearing we might come across egocentric — that in itself, ironically, is egocentric.
If you happen to be a little egocentric but are happy with the way you are and not causing any harm, then let that be okay too. As long as you have enough self-awareness and keep your Ego in check from time to time, then you are a balanced individual. The reality is, no matter where we each are existentially, we will most likely continue our way of being until the old ways no longer work and we are forced to reevaluate who we are and make some changes.
