How to Manage Fear: 5 Steps to Return to Calm
Fear takes many forms and disguises. It can surface as anxiety, anger, perfectionism, escapism and more. Fear itself has become quite the 4-letter F-word these days. We pause and think twice before using the word “fear” or “afraid” to describe how we feel. There have been a great deal of conversations about fear being a negative emotion, an obstacle to our success, and that we should be rid of fear in order to thrive and be happy. We have created a fear of having fear.
However, fear is a natural emotion, like any other emotion in all of us. We can’t simply push it away, nor would we want to. It has been responsible for the existence of our species after all. The real problem isn’t experiencing fear, it’s when we allow fear to take over our body, our mind, run our lives, stifle our creativity for problem solving, and allow chronic stress to develop and settle in as the norm.
Theoretically, the fight or flight fear mode that launches us into panic or rage or flee is prehistorically wired into our DNA when we see a predator. That rush of adrenaline and the rise of our entire defense mechanism activated to protect us from being killed. In the present day, it keeps us safe from something like from being run over by a car. In those moments, I would want my fight or flight mode to kick in and get me out of trouble.
But that mode should only last a short period of time. Our chronic stresses these days most often come from perceived fear. While we don’t really have natural predators to protect ourselves from, we become fearful of potential modern-day threats, such as financial setbacks, loss, or health issues, causing us to constantly be on guard about what might happen. We’ve grown accustomed to living in planned comfort and prefer to continue without disruption. The desire to control the course of our lives becomes a trap and the source of our discomfort and dis-ease.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I left my full-time job at an ad agency in 2020 and set out on a journey to pursue my own independent path. Every now and then, fear and doubt enter my mind, worrying about the future and all the what ifs that could happen. What if I fail? I don’t want to get another full-time job. What if I run out of money before I can make it? Where would I live? What if I just don’t have what it takes? What would people think? What will that mean for me? My thoughts begin to spiral if I don’t catch myself right away, and my body starts to tense up, my breaths shorten, and my energy gets heavier. Before you know it, I lose the clarity of my goals and start to plan for the worst — a perceived threat.
Whether your fear is real or perceived, it’s still valid, because you’re going through the experience as if it were real. Taking the steps to manage it kindly and compassionately, I find, is the best way to have a permanent grasp on dealing with Fear.
No matter how much self-awareness I have, there is still that small part of my brain that is designed to respond to external threats with intensity, real or perceived. When my brain detects I could potentially be out of food, freeze in the cold, or have to fight physical danger, my body responds. And now I’m stressed.
Whether it’s a real or perceived threat, it’s still valid, because you’re going through the experience as if it were real. Taking the steps to manage it kindly and compassionately, I find, is the best way to have a permanent grasp on dealing with Fear.
Don’t be afraid to feel afraid
And don’t be afraid to talk about it. Recognize you are feeling fearful of something and let it be okay. Like any other emotion, fear deserves to be acknowledged. They come up for a reason and can give you much needed insight on what your next steps should be.
I grew up in a rather prideful family and we never spoke of what we are afraid of. Being defensive was our default way of dealing with Fear. I was scolded or ridiculed for showing fear yet there was no guidance provided in how I should respond to fear in a healthy way.
I’ve learned in my adult life there is no shame in being afraid of something — that it opens the door to a beautiful vulnerability once processed. Our fears, when managed properly, give us a glimpse of what is most important to us, and direct our attention to that fear. Once that fear is addressed, we will return to our calm state. Fear, much like any other emotion, is temporary and fleeting, so why be afraid of it?
Identify if your fear is real or perceived
Once you provide a safe space for fear to surface you can properly identify the nature of your fear. Are you in real danger? Is someone pointing a gun at you? Are you driving into oncoming traffic? That would be real danger! Or is your threat perceived, such as thinking that you might get laid off next, that your friends secretly dislike you, or you won’t have enough money for retirement?
Some perceived threats are trickier to identify, either because they seem so real or they are at the verge of becoming real. At times, our intuition and our alignment with the universe intrinsically let us know something isn’t right. Other times, we are peer-pressured into fear because everyone around us is preparing for the worst and we don’t want to be left out when everyone else seems to have their armor ready.
When you find yourself in the gray area, ask these questions to help either remove your perceived fear or reprioritize:
Is this of any physical danger? – If it’s simply ruminating in your mind with possibilities without any effect on your immediate physical or mental health, then it is most likely perceived.
What is the likelihood of this actually happening? Is it more of a concern than a real threat? What kind of information do you have that supports this?
How far away is this threat? If there is a likelihood of this happening, how far in the future will this take place? – If it’s far enough in the future, there can be many unforeseeable changes.
Is this fear mine or by association? Is this my own reaction or do I feel this way because everyone else around me feels this way?
Is there a solution for this? – If there is a foreseeable solution then you already know it can be resolved, therefore the situation is perceived and there’s no need for you to worry about it.
Find out for certain
Fearing the unknown almost goes hand in hand with fearing certainty. What I’ve noticed is that most people don’t want to hear bad news. They don’t want to find out how someone really feels about them, they rather speculate on their own; whether or not they have a shot at winning, they’d rather maintain hope. When it comes to fear and anticipating the worst-case scenario, it can be maddening to try and analyze what might be going on behind the scenes. One way to stop that obsessive inner monologue is to inquire to find out for sure.
While it may be uncomfortable to approach your boss and ask if you’re going to be laid off, whether or not he ever plans to give you that promotion, or asking a boyfriend/girlfriend the real reason why they broke up with you, it will offer a healthy amount of closure so you no longer need to think about the unknown. Be mindful that it is only your responsibility to seek the information you need to help you move on; whether the information provided is truthful is out of your control. So don’t allow yourself to turn the answers into a new obsession or a new fear.
Give up your need to control the future
We as a culture are obsessed with being able to predict the future. We feel good about ourselves when something unfolds as we predicted, or if we are able to read someone’s mind before they’ve said anything. It feels like a small win for us, and we get that reinforcement whenever we get it right. As intelligent adults, we often seek groups and situations that reinforce us for having those instincts. Beyond our familiar circle, however, we are not always good at predicting what might happen next. And that’s something I realize as I grow and expand beyond my old version of self.
The need to control outcomes is fear-based. We could have a fear of any physical or emotional ramification if things don’t go a certain way. Some of us are afraid we’ll get into trouble, that someone will be angry with us. Maybe an unfavorable outcome would affect our future well-being. Maybe we’re afraid it’ll mean we’re not good enough if things don’t turn out a certain way.
I’ve learned that taking comfort in not knowing the outcome is actually a sign of growth. It’s also a sign of trust. It’s letting the universe do its thing as well as respecting other people’s free will to choose. This way, relationships or events unfold naturally without anyone trying to drive it toward their preferred outcome. Surrendering your need to control the outcome actually frees you from the burdens you’ve created for yourself.
Meditate for clarity on how to respond to your situation
Fear or worries usually diminishes when we take on a different perspective and see a possible new solution. As a meditation coach and advocate, this is my go-to secret weapon whenever I catch myself with fear disguised as sabotaging mental chatter. It helps me stay present and see a solution I could not see when my mind is controlling and speculating.
If you’re currently under stress and feeling some kind of fear, first take some quiet time to be still and observe your thoughts and emotions. What kind of narrative is going through your mind? Where do you feel it in your body the most? Can you let go of this narrative?
You can use the below meditation to help find calm and respond to your current situation with more clarity. It will give you a different perspective and help you find a solution you couldn’t see before.
Use this powerful meditation whenever you feel frustrated, stuck, or helpless:
Sit comfortably, either on a chair or cross-legged on the ground.
Close your eyes and take a deep breath in. Exhale gently through your mouth.
Take one more deep breath in, exhale and feel your body sink a little deeper into your seat.
Visualize your current scenario on your left side. What does it look like, what does it sound like, who’s in it, and how does it make you feel?
Now visualize your ideal scenario on your right side. What does that look like, sound like, who’s in it, and what does that feel like, if you had everything your way?
Take a deep breath into your heart center and gently exhale.
Now visualize a third scenario in the middle, a new option you can be happy with. What would that look like, sound like, who’s in it, and how would that make you feel?
Sit with this third scenario for a few gentle breaths. Take as long as you need to see it in front of you.
When you are ready, smile, and slowly bring your attention back to your seat and open your eyes.
