Shame and Sexual Intimacy in the Western culture

In western culture, sex and shame are deeply interconnected, but they don’t have to be. For most of us, sex education is rudamentary at best. We learn about sex through TV, religion, and innuendos. 

Sex is so secretive, and yet idolized. There is this purity culture norm that we must suppress an extremely innate part of ourselves: our desire to have sex. I grew up in a Christian household – we went to church every Sunday, we prayed before every meal, and I was deeply shamed for being a sexual being. 

When I was little, I was interested in my genitalia (and my friends). This is completely normal behavior for young kids, because of the hidden and secretive nature of our genitals. However, when my parents discovered my curiosity, they shamed me and labeled me a “sexually deviant child.” I’ve lived under that sin my whole life. 

My particular shame is not unique, nor is sexual shame in its myriad of forms. In some way or another, we were all probably shamed for our sensuality or sexuality. We were all shamed for our innate, natural biological urges. 

Here’s what I learned growing up and what I continue to unlearn now.

Shame around my body 

I learned from a young age that my body was simultaneously not mine and yet I was responsible for shielding people from it. I learned that I was to wait for my husband to enjoy my breasts and I also learned that I needed to put a bra on if the neighbor was coming over. 

I learned that I did not have agency over my body. That ultimately, I was to keep my body pure until one day, my husband could enjoy it for his own pleasure. Essentially, my body was not mine. And yet, if my neighbor were to see my nipples popping through a shirt and think impure thoughts, that would be my fault and not the fault of the adult with pedophilic thoughts. 

If I am naked in my room, I’m not thinking about my nudity. I am simply, me. I am simply being. If someone were to walk in and gasp, “OMG put some clothes on,” they would have made me naked. 

I am on a journey to reclaim my bodily autonomy. Other people will make of my body what they will make of my body. That is not my business. I can’t control their reaction, nor is their reaction my business. I am letting myself accept fully autonomy of my body. 

Shame around my desires

There is so much shame around desiring what we desire. At such a young age, we are told that the things our bodies are yearning for are inherently not for us. If we want them then we are bad, or that’s the message I was told. 

I didn’t even want to have sex yet, but I knew I wanted to touch and be touched. Kiss and be kissed. Be desired. For women, the want to be wanted makes us slutty, makes us a tease, makes us desperate. But these are basic human needs, folks, so what’s the shame for? 

Here is what I’m relearning: I’m learning to be OK with the fact that I want to be desired, seen, validated. 

I want to be touched and kissed and loved. And I’m trying to remove the second layer of judgment that makes me wonder if I am coming off as “too desperate” or “too sensual.” 

Shame around pleasure

Pleasure has a little different story. Pleasure is less rooted in shame from purity culture (in my case, Christianity) and more rooted in shame from capitalism. You are your productivity. Do you know what’s usually not productive? Pleasure. 

Pleasure is for pleasure's sake, which is inherently shameful in a culture that values your production and outcome. But some of the best things in life do not revolve around production or outcome, they involve being in the present moment and enjoying life. 

Here is what I’m relearning: Pleasure is my birthright. 

Our bodies yearn to experience pleasure. We were born with pleasure centers and our bodies get goosebumps when we experience a sweet touch or a nice kiss. Our bodies, minds, and spirits yearn for pleasure; even simple pleasures such as the sun on our face or a soft blanket are pleasures we owe to ourselves. 

I am learning how to reclaim pleasure and put down capitalism by thinking of myself not as a machine but as a human, with needs and desires. 

Growing up as a woman in a patriarchal, capitalistic, puritan culture can really take away your bodily autonomy, your sexual sovereignty, and the gift of pleasure. But by reclaiming it, even on an individual level, we can slowly change our beliefs, live a more fulfilled life by example, and inspire the next generation.