Why Vulnerability Is the Path to True Intimacy
“Intimacy transcends the physical. It is a feeling of closeness that isn’t about proximity but of belonging. It is a beautiful emotional space in which two become one.”
Many crave an extraordinary connection with their romantic partner. There is a sense of yearning, a hunger, that can run deep within us—a need to be close to someone. We often call it love or passion, but it’s intimacy that we truly crave.
Intimacy with another isn’t built overnight. Lasting intimacy is a greatness that takes courage, patience and commitment to build, then maintain. In today’s relationship culture, it’s easier to put up walls than to break them down. We protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, and rejection, but in doing so, we also shield ourselves from the depth of connection we crave.
A client once opened up to me about his desire to find an extraordinary love. His eyes welled up as he described his feelings for this longing. And yet, almost as soon as he admitted this desire for deep connection, he became aware of his resistance to the vulnerability that it requires. This isn’t uncommon—many of us want closeness but struggle with the exposure that comes with it.
Why vulnerability feels unnatural
The word “vulnerability” gets thrown around so much these days that its true meaning can get lost. At its core, being vulnerable means revealing our true thoughts, emotions, and insecurities—sharing the parts of ourselves that feel most fragile.
While there are those who wear their heart on their sleeves and readily bare their innermost tender spots to the world, I am not one of those people, and I don’t believe most people are.
Vulnerability feels counterintuitive, going against our instincts for self-protection. If we observe the animal kingdom, we notice it takes a tremendous amount of trust for an animal to flip over on their back and expose their soft belly to you. In relationships, this fear manifests as our resistance to open up, especially when we care about someone deeply. The more we care about the connection, the greater the risk of being hurt.
Ironically, the very thing we fear—being seen for who we truly are—is what allows us to feel deeply connected to another person. While vulnerability can be uncomfortable, extraordinary love takes extraordinary vulnerability, because vulnerability deepens intimacy and intimacy unites souls at the frequency of Love.
Cocreating a safe space for deeper intimacy
Vulnerability ultimately dissolves the boundaries between people and allows us to feel seen as part of the whole, but getting there takes self-awareness and commitment. While it’s our individual journey to overcome our resistance to sharing ourselves, there are ways to cocreate a safe space for vulnerability and deep intimacy in a relationship. Here’s how:
Building trust through sensitivity
To dissolve those boundaries, we need to acknowledge and respect them first. In order to feel comfortable enough to show our soft bellies, we need to feel safe with each other. That safety isn’t created through empty reassurance but through consistent presence—being fully engaged in the moments that matter.
When a partner shares something personal, it’s an invitation to deepen trust. That means listening with intent and without judgment. Give them the floor with your undivided attention and give them all the time and space they want to take up. Allow them a chance to reciprocate at some point when you’re ready to share something deeply personal as well. Just like a dance, you become more in sync with each other if you pay close attention and feel each other’s cues step by step toward trust.
Stay curious about each other
Intimacy takes commitment to maintain, and the most trusting and intimate partners have a genuine interest to get to know each other continuously without assumptions. Without true curiosity, interactions in the relationship can feel somewhat superficial or obligatory.
This curiosity cannot be faked, but the absence of it doesn’t necessarily mean the lack of attraction or compatibility. The willingness to get to know someone continually stems from the understanding that everyone has a unique and notable journey in life, and how special it is to witness your partner’s journey from behind the scenes.
Letting go of expectations
Rigid expectations can become the biggest barrier to intimacy in a relationship. We often have some form of expectations that our partner should respond in a certain way or meet our emotional needs as we envisioned. When we are disappointed and our feelings are hurt, our walls tend to go back up. The more we trust, the more we risk getting hurt. The more vulnerable we are with our partner, the more disappointed we feel when they don’t meet our expectations. Reality is, it’s impossible for anyone to meet all of our expectations and never disappoint us.
Our unspoken expectations are what set us up for disappointment. Instead of holding onto those expectations, approach your relationship with openness. Our expectations are our own projections—we think what they should be or hope what they would be. When we accept our partner as they are rather than as we wish them to be, we create the freedom for intimacy to deepen naturally.
The emotional freedom that comes with vulnerability is actually the basis of deep intimacy. Having trust, a genuine interest toward each other, and detachment from expectations, the only expectation becomes: it’s safe to share all of ourselves with our partner.
