Why Self-Regulating Should be Taught in Every School

We live in a world of constant upheaval, it seems. As soon as we regain our sense of peace and optimism, another war or destruction breaks loose, causing many of us to feel a range of emotions yet again. Have human beings really not evolved at all since the middle ages?

I came across this quote by Omar N. Bradley, an American general: ''The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.''

With all the progress and innovations we’ve accumulated over the years, we neglected to balance them with important ethical advancement which cannot be quantified. If we placed as much importance on the teachings of ethics and personal character, would we be where we are right now?

Confucius has said, to heal the world we must heal the nation, to heal a nation, we must heal our family; to heal a family, we must heal the hearts of its members. His full text on how to bring order to the world is more comprehensive and in-depth, but the gist of it is that peace and order begins with the individual.

How different would the world be if every single person was taught to self-regulate successfully? Would we even need a traditional government?

To me, successful self-regulation means a person is able to regulate their emotions, have discipline over their behaviors, make good decisions for themselves, and exist well individually and in synergy within a collective.

Unfortunately, those important lessons are taught at very few schools. Language, math and science are considered the essential courses taught at elementary schools, yet there is no mandatory curriculum for something as fundamental as how to be a good human being. Even in Social Studies, there is little about how to behave toward the greater good of a collective. 

As important as those subjects are, we are left with little guidance on how to manage our emotions, our decisions and expectations within a family or community. If we don't have parents who are mature enough to understand how to self-regulate and teach self-regulation to us, then we are left with trial and error on our own. And that can send some down a dark path.

An example of someone who cannot self-regulate is a tyrant. Another example is a rapist. Those are extreme examples, of course. I consider all who inflict harm on others as people who cannot self-regulate. Most of them were probably just a regular person once and hoped to achieve something they could be proud of. Perhaps some of them couldn’t be saved, no matter how much they were taught to self-regulate. But would the dictators and terrorists of the world have any followers if everyone else was at peace with themselves and made good decisions with the greater good in mind? Without followers, evil would be diffused.

I consider these the 4 basic components to self-regulation:

Regulating Emotions

“If you look at every problem in the world, it’s a result of lack of emotion regulation. When people can’t deal with their emotions, they lose their ability to communicate with each other and work together.” — Natalie Bell

When we lose control over our emotions, we act irrationally. Unfortunately, many who are in pivotal positions in the world have managed to appear calm and regulated yet still make important decisions based on impulses and emotions. When we apply positive emotions in an orderly manner, however, is when we see flourishing results of beauty, healing and advancement in the world.

Human beings have been trying to achieve emotional freedom and transcend pain and suffering in all of its recorded history. While it may seem like an impossible goal, it is possible to not allow emotions to take over what we say or do, to others and to ourselves.

When everyone is aware of their own emotions and can process and regulate them as they arise, we could stop projecting our emotions onto others, feel hurt or offended by someone else’s emotions outside of our control, and stop forming expectations or feel the need to defend ourselves. When we feel the world is an emotionally safe place to live, we stop feeling perceived threats that cause us to be hypervigilant. A place without stress from threats is a place of peace and harmony.

Practicing Behavioral Discipline

“Discipline is choosing between what you want now, and what you want most.” — Abraham Lincoln

When we think of discipline, childhood memories may come to mind—like completing homework before watching TV, or brushing our teeth before bed. These were the small, disciplined habits our parents instilled in us to nurture our sense of responsibility and prepare us for adulthood.

In much the same way, if we can train ourselves to apply more discipline in our actions, we may find that many conflicts in our day-to-day lives dissolve. The journey towards discipline begins with intention and mindfulness, which eventually give rise to ingrained habits. With sustained practice, these intentional habits weave themselves into our character, becoming a part of who we are.

If peace is our desired outcome, then we need to train ourselves to act in accordance with it. Perhaps the next time we are faced with the temptation to engage in conflict or seek revenge, we could all remind ourselves to choose peace over chaos.

Making good decisions

“Don’t let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision.” — Colin Powell

The ability to make good decisions for yourself might not be an obvious skill for self-regulation and inner peace, but it is definitely an important one. We become more confident and at peace with ourselves when we know we make good decisions — this goes hand in hand with having discipline. We trust ourselves more as a result and become less susceptible to outside influences. Instead of being easily persuaded by others, we are able to make the best decisions for ourselves independently. When we can do this, we take ownership and do less blaming.

Conflicts and chaos often occur when there is a need to blame someone for the outcome of something. When we are happy and confident with our own decision-making ability, we realize no matter how persuasive others may be, we ultimately have the final say in any decision in our life. When we exercise that power, we are likely to practice eliminating any decision that does not nurture our desire for peace and harmony.

Achieving Harmony in Coexistence

“The only alternative to coexistence is codestruction.” — Jawaharial Nehru

Before we can create great relationships with others, we must have a great relationship with ourselves. As human beings, we can often project our inner conflicts and attempt to resolve them through others. If we are angry, we are subconsciously drawn to those who are also angry or fuel our anger; if we are sad, we either find those who are willing to comfort us or are also feeling sad; if we are chaotic inside, we might attract more drama into our lives.

Building a great relationship with ourselves requires inward practices that allow us the space to fully connect and confront ourselves. At the end of the day, it is how we see ourselves and how we treat ourselves that matters most. In our lifetime, we will have more fights with ourselves than with others. We will have to forgive ourselves more than we forgive others. We will do more reconciling within ourselves than with others. Everything we learn in relationships we most likely learned through the relationship with ourselves.

When we have a happy relationship with our own self then we will be able to build a happy relationship with someone outside ourselves. Gradually, we will be able to build and manage more and more happy and lasting relationships. 

When each and every one of us in the world is able to do this, we might shift our focus only to self-regulation and building happy relationships. Perhaps when that day comes, no one will feel the need to pick up a weapon (literally or metaphorically) to attack or defend.