Your Dream Community is Closer To You Than You Think
“It is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together.”
This article is inspired by a symbolic dream I had 2 weeks ago, which caused me to self-reflect and reexamine my search for the ideal community to belong to all these years.
I have a rather restless mind. At night, it is rapidly processing all the subconscious thoughts I am unaware of from the day, and somehow manages to create a vivid and extraordinary adventure. Apart from beginning this dream in a heroic space mission, towards the end of the dream (here on earth), I was standing between 2 groups of young Chinese people — one only spoke Chinese and the other only spoke English. I had just spent several days with all of them and fell in love with their warmth and enthusiasm. They welcomed me into their community with open arms, yet, there I was, standing alone, looking to the left, then right, at each group, feeling that I didn’t belong to either.
I had several packed luggages with me because I was getting ready to leave their community and go home. Everyone came out to say goodbye, showering me with hugs and well wishes. One girl came up to me and said that a group of them were headed for the pool just outside the lobby and invited me to join them. I responded, “I can’t, I’m all packed and have to go home.” The next thing that came out of my mouth was to my surprise (even in the dream): “But I guess I can just change and come back, I live down the street just 5 minutes from here.” I remembered feeling slightly confused in the dream, as if it never occurred to me that I needn’t say goodbye at all, being so close in distance to all of them.
I woke up from the dream filled with curiosity at what all that could mean.
This feeling of not belonging traces back to when I was 11 years old and immigrated to the U.S. with my family. I imagine many immigrants or expats have had similar feelings when moving to an unfamiliar country, with a culture (and language) drastically different from the one they grew up with. That was the case for me — the confusion was insurmountable. At the age of 11, I was just becoming more solidified with who I was as an individual, and now everything had suddenly and completely changed. I was faced with an important existential question: Who am I going to be? Chinese or American? Can I be both?
Every other Chinese-American I’ve met seems to be quite clear which side was right for them. Or, maybe it was rather natural for them. They either stuck with their traditional values, lifestyle, and community or completely adapted to American pop culture. But I didn’t want to choose. I still don’t want to choose.
The search can be addicting
Since then, I’ve found myself looking for the perfect community to belong to. Not just as a Chinese-American, but also as an analytical artist, an athletic geek, a structured creative, a spiritual pragmatist, etc, etc. I seem to be full of contradictions, yet, I like the whimsical and freeing qualities about myself. So I kept searching and searching, bouncing from one community to another. I enjoyed all of them, but still didn’t feel that I belonged.
I ended up leaving most of them — as my dream clearly reveals, even when they were available and close to me they felt distant, and I felt like a temporary visitor. I left because I was used to constantly searching, but the search was merely a means to an end.
When it came to finding a community to belong to, I’d fall into my old pattern of thinking and feeling. No matter where I was or who I was with, I felt as if I was just visiting temporarily, that I must get on with my search soon. It was that permanent feeling of impermanence that created a faraway distance between me and the loving community I was searching for.
Choosing to belong is like choosing to be happy
What I learned from my dream is that the love and warmth of community was always nearby and available to me, but I couldn’t see it. The exciting revelation toward the end of my dream, however, symbolizes an awareness I had gained through self-observation. Why did I have to leave when I lived right down the street? (I think I scoffed at myself in the dream.) I could just accept the invitation and stay.
A sense of belonging, as I am starting to see, is just like happiness. Each is elusive and many of us chase after both and end up nowhere. All the while, though, we could just choose to belong. Just like we could choose to be happy.
Much like happiness, belonging comes from the inside. If the seed of alienation has been planted and nurtured, then a sense of belonging cannot develop simultaneously. In my case, the seed of alienation was planted the day I moved to the U.S. My many unpleasant experiences over the next few years reinforced my feeling of alienation and I allowed that feeling to stay and grow inside of me.
But breakthroughs always begin with awareness. Choosing belonging over alienation ends the search for that “perfect” community in my distant future, and presents acceptance and gratitude toward the people available to me in the present. Along with this choice is a new practice — a practice of self-acceptance and inner harmony. Over time, external alienation has inevitably caused me to self-alienate, so the next loving approach is to change my inner dialogue and reconcile the parts of myself I’ve alienated over the years. The thought of it brings immense comfort to my 11-year-old inner child.
Finding community anywhere and everywhere
Finding a great community to grow with in our modern world has its challenges, such as many communities favoring virtual gatherings vs. in person, people constantly weaving in and out of multiple communities, and of course, the endless options of eclectic communities to choose from. On the flip side, I realized all of the above could be seen as advantages, too.
We are no longer bound by physical proximity in order to connect with kindred spirits. We can maintain constant communication over an array of apps enhanced to help build community. Developing a sense of belonging is literally right at our fingertips.
What I’ve discovered is that most people in any given community are there for the same reasons I am, to feel a sense of belonging. They’re hoping to find genuine connections, to share knowledge and interests, and create lasting friendships. So how can anyone not feel a sense of belonging when the intention of the community is to share, connect, and enjoy each other? All other filters become more or less secondary. Even without similar hobbies and interests, I still have experiences to share, a life story to tell, and aspirations to fulfill. In that very sense, I don’t ever have to choose; I (and we) can belong anywhere and everywhere.
