What Happens When We Focus Only on the Light and Forget the Shadow
“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.”
If my personal development journey has taught me anything, it’s that neglecting to face our shadow sides only postpones our healing and keeps us stuck in a perpetual feedback loop.
I’ve hosted two inner child healing workshops now and have had many conversations with others about unseen past wounds. Many people expressed that they never truly talked about their hardships and emotional pains from the past because they felt it would be seen as weakness.
That is the culture many of us grow up in — one that is drawn to the appearance of gleefulness and shuns gloominess. By those conditions, we learned to hide our real emotions, the challenges we face, or the yearnings we have on the inside so that we may get that promotion, maintain a good relationship, or get invited to social situations. All the while neglecting our shadows.
Why “Good Vibes Only” Isn’t Real Healing
We are each made of light and dark sides, dancing in harmony in this human existence of ours. We cannot be all light or all dark — we perish at either extreme. Growing up in the Far East, this concept of Yin and Yang energy in all life forms is ingrained in me.
In our modern culture, though, we have become obsessed with positivity. We often see statements like “Love and Light” or “Good Vibes Only,” giving us the perception that this is the best and only way to live. While they are well-intentioned, they’ve slowly formed a layer of toxic positivity that hovers among us, creating an invisible pressure to always come across as loving and kind.
Genuine healing includes both light and shadow sides. Real growth requires us to face our shadow sides and truly look at what might be uncomfortable.
To be able to say, I don’t like myself much right now, or I feel angry, or all I want to do is yell or cry, is a brave admission of how you truly feel in the moment you feel it.
Remember, your shadow side doesn’t need to be “fixed” — it wants to be seen.
What the Shadow Self Really Is and Why It Matters
What exactly identifies as our “shadow side”? Carl Jung defined our shadow as the part of us we reject and repress, often pushed away into the subconscious. These often include negative traits and impulses. To me, the concept is simple — it’s the side of us we feel most ashamed or embarrassed of, and it varies from person to person. In my personal experience, what we are most fearful of facing is often what we were most judged or criticized for during childhood.
So why do we want to illuminate our shadow self? Why face what’s uncomfortable and put ourselves in distress?
Our shadow self is actually our genius self, often buried under the mask of “everything is okay.” True emotional healing begins with shadow work. Recognizing and acknowledging our shadow self is the biggest step toward self-awareness. And without self-awareness, healthy relationships (including the one with yourself) cannot be forged, because when you judge and reject any part of yourself, you are unable to become whole. Wholeness is embracing every speck of yourself with love and compassion.
Embracing your shadow self allows you to see yourself with honesty and authenticity. It also allows you to:
Identify your triggers without judgment
Forgive yourself for not meeting expectations
Recognize your unmet needs from the past
Vocalize your current unmet needs
Give yourself permission to feel
The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Our Shadow
Total self-acceptance hinges on how comfortable we are facing our deepest shadows.
When we deny the not-so-comfortable emotions of anger, jealousy, grief, or fear, we create separation and inner conflict. The result is often emotional burnout, disconnection, and losing our true sense of self or direction in life.
In short, avoiding our shadows stunts our growth toward our highest potential.
The emotional messiness we experience is often the result of emotional avoidance. The more we push away, the more they pile on top of each other.
I like to use the analogy of a tangled-up ball of yarn. Having one tangled knot is easy to loosen and untie — it requires just a minute of our focused attention. If we ignore it, and the next, then the next, that ball of yarn becomes so full of knots that it’s overwhelming. Yet, it is not impossible to completely detangle and make it new again. Except now, it will require your total commitment to sit down with focus and patience to loosen and untie each knot until you go through the entire ball of yarn.
Sorting out our emotions works the same way. The path of shadow work isn’t always easy, but it does get easier — as you look closely and detangle each knot.
How to Begin Embracing Your Shadow for Deep Healing
If you’ve read this far and are curious about doing the real work, then I am proud of you. Self-inquiry and willingness are the biggest steps toward healing. If you feel a deep sense of discomfort moving toward this work, I send you lots of courage and gentleness in this process.
If you are new to shadow work, here are a few gentle exercises you can practice on your own before vocalizing how you feel to others:
Journal your current emotional state. Allow your writing to flow freely without censoring.
Become curious about your feelings and emotional tendencies. Look within without judgment.
Look for a safe outlet to gently express your emotions through support and guidance.
Remember, embracing your shadow side doesn’t always mean acting on it. And shadow work isn’t about “fixing” what’s “wrong” with you. You are simply noticing and fully accepting the discomforts or inadequacies that might be swirling around inside you. This allows your shadow side to be seen — preparing it for integration.
The Light That Comes After Integration
True light isn’t perfection or constant positivity — it’s our capacity to hold all parts of ourselves with love.
When we can witness each moment of our being, no matter how messy it may be, without self-criticism or panic, we begin our path to wholeness and inner peace.
That’s what real healing is — learning to hold both the shadow and the light gracefully, and remembering that both belong.
