Letting Go of Perfectionism
“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” ― Brené Brown
Ironic isn’t it, the concept of perfection holds so many promises. If you do everything perfectly and not make mistakes or bad decisions then you will be rewarded with success. Perfectionism is alluring, it’s what most of us have been striving for the majority of our lives. Despite what we already know, which is perfection doesn’t exist, we strive anyway. When, in fact, perfectionism is a true limitation.
Honestly, I don’t really know how not to pursue perfection. Even as we speak, I’m aware of this inherent “flaw” of mine but am not sure exactly how to overcome it. Yes, perfectionism is essentially a flaw of nature, because nothing produced by nature is “perfect”. Perfectionism was engineered by man.
I was born and raised in China. I was admitted into the #1 elementary school in Shanghai along with 39 other handpicked kids six months prior to the regular school year. Except I was absent from school that day with a cold and didn’t get the memo. So I remained in kindergarten while those 39 other kids were plucked from theirs and began their schooling. Six months later, I took an entrance exam to get into the very same school and was accepted. Upon admission, one of the administrators recognized my name and said to my parents, “What happened?? She was supposed to start school here six months ago! She belongs in the advanced class!” So I was thrown into a class full of 39 kids who had already been classmates and were well trained for this supposedly demanding school. Thus began the first of my lifetime full of sink-or-swim situations — feeling lost, without timely guidance, and expected to catch up and fit in all on my own.
Meanwhile, asking for help was not in my young vocabulary. I was always known as the smart kid in the neighborhood; not knowing what to do was out of character for me, as silly as it sounds for a 6-year-old. I’d be teased incessantly by family and neighbors if something stumped me. My pride couldn’t allow that. Strangely enough, without a clue of what was going on, my performance in school was still ahead of the curve. I was recommended by teachers for nearly every club or competitive team. I still didn’t know what was going on. But my curious and competitive nature found all of it fun beyond measure.
When I was 11 years old, me and my family immigrated to the U.S. and began a new life in Los Angeles. I was yet again in a world I knew nothing of but expected to catch up and fit in all on my own. While boiling with frustration on the inside, I made it look easy on the outside, seemingly without effort. Despite having to learn a new language, I picked up everyday conversation fairly quickly and lost my accent in 2 weeks. I was praised by teachers for excelling in math, music, and PE. I was teased and bullied incessantly but never hesitated to stand up for myself. On a superficial level, I was doing, well, perfect.
This streak of perfectionism (whether intentional or not) continued well into my adult life, before I even became aware of it — I was constantly trying to perfect while showing the world that I always had it together through whatever crisis I was going through. It was almost a reflex. Flaw? Fix or discard. Every relationship or job I ever had reinforced that. And if they didn’t, guess what? I would condition them to do so because, I would have you know, I was perfect, always.
But everything wasn’t perfect by any means. My intolerance of “flaws” was a flaw in itself and had proven to be a limitation in many aspects of my life. It created unreasonable expectations, added pressures, and unnecessary conflicts in all my relationships. Worst of all, it had stunted everyone’s growth, including my own, because I couldn’t appreciate anything for as long as it was “flawed.” Nothing was ever good enough. It wasn’t that growth would ever end — it would never have truly begun.
Imagine an impenetrable wall of perfection. It is so perfectly guarded and flawless that nothing can get through. While no invasion can bring down this wall, no one from the inside can feel or experience what’s outside of the wall either. Nothing on the outside can corrupt or enhance what’s behind the wall. No improvements or advancements can be made for what’s behind that wall.
I realized that I was always conditioned to be “perfect” by my environment starting at a very early age, and had more enhanced awareness on how it stunted my growth. I also realized that my perfectionism has brought me many gifts as well as burdens. As with anything in life, I seek balance in moderation.
To all those who are equally flaw-resistant, here’s what I’ve learned:
It’s okay to be a perfectly flawed perfectionist
For starters, forgive yourself.
Being a perfectionist means you are extra tough on yourself. It’s painful to acknowledge that you “screwed up” and need forgiveness. Perfectionism takes ruthlessness. Believe me, I know. Nothing stood in the way of achieving perfection. But, compassion became the casualty, and what a monumental flaw that is!
When you lose self-compassion is when you inadvertently stop accepting yourself as is and allow for natural growth to take place. That includes those who want to help you succeed. Admitting you have an obsession with perfectionism is accepting that you may just happen to have a “flaw.”
For the record, I no longer believe in flaws. I now see things more as they are, however they are at this moment in time and capable of change. And anything that is in a position for change is just a work in progress.
Affirmations for self-acceptance:
Mistakes do not define my competence.
Mistakes are not forever.
I love my perfectly imperfect self.
I am always loved and accepted by the universe.
I am happier being authentic than being perfect.
Practice failing well builds resilience
Well, practice makes perfect (ha!).
One of the tasks I had assigned myself was practice making more mistakes, as well as practice responding to mistakes, with resilience.
Being a perfectionist often means you’ve not allowed yourself to fail much. Things usually fall into your predictions and are carefully thought through. Pushing yourself to make more mistakes means stepping out of the comfort zone and treading unfamiliar waters. Something that is impossible to control — every perfectionist's nightmare. It will feel like you’re starting from the bottom and are far from being able to perfect something you understand well.
Rather than coming down hard on yourself for failing, ask yourself, “what can I learn from this?” or “what can I do differently next time?”
Practicing failing or making mistakes will humble yourself and at the same time expand your horizons to include a much bigger world than the one you’re used to. This resets the parameters of your current world and invites more challenges as well as opportunities into your life. This will also build more resilience and prepare you for whatever life may throw at you. When we become more comfortable with dealing with unpredictability, it becomes easier for us to let go.
Vulnerability expands horizons
This remains one of my biggest challenges.
Being vulnerable to the outside world is an admission of being imperfect and needing assistance — a tough one to swallow for perfectionists. We pride ourselves for being capable all the time, yet resent those who do not come to our aid when we struggle. We know what to do about everything, yet we don’t know how to ask for help. We are extraordinarily contradicting.
To explain why vulnerability is necessary to another perfectionist, I ask you to imagine an impenetrable wall of perfection. It is so perfectly guarded and flawless that nothing can get through. While no invasion can bring down this wall, no one from the inside can feel or experience what’s outside of the wall either. Nothing on the outside can corrupt or enhance what’s behind the wall. No improvements or advancements can be made for what’s behind that wall.
Exposing our vulnerabilities is like cracking the wall open and might feel a little scary in the beginning. But when we allow others in, we’re also allowing them to bring in fresh new products, ideas, and affections with them. Oh, and did I mention form new (and sometimes lifelong) friendships?
As with any new self-improvement endeavors and particularly for perfectionists who are already hard on themselves, take it one day at a time. Don’t get discouraged when your first experiences happen to include rejection or reprimand. Cracking that wall open and becoming more vulnerable can intensify unfavorable experiences. Give yourself credit for recognizing the need to and having the courage to go through this process. Allow whatever experience to happen without resistance. What awaits you on the other side of the wall is infinite possibilities that include love, success, and abundance.
