Is Denial Costing You Inner Peace? Here’s What You Need to Know
“Denial is also self-reinforcing — once you make the first denial, you tend to commit to it: you will deny, deny the denial, deny that, and so on.”
Many people use denial as a coping tool to maintain optimism—sometimes subconsciously. But does it really work? And does being in denial only maintain an external sense of balance while costing you inner peace?
The answer is simple: any time you are in denial, you are experiencing an internal conflict. Denial is essentially the inability or refusal to accept reality, whether it’s a situation, emotion, state of mind, or feeling of unfulfillment—anything you are not ready or willing to confront. Being in denial keeps you from living in the present, and without living in the present, inner peace is out of reach.
Why Do We Choose Denial Over Facing Reality
Being in denial is a choice, though sometimes it’s not a conscious one. Many of us were taught how things are "supposed" to look and feel, so we cling to how things should be instead of facing how they actually are.
Denial is an easy choice. It creates the illusion that everything is fine or will work itself out, so we don’t have to do the hard work of confronting real issues. In a way, we rely on denial to keep our confidence up and avoid the dreaded feelings of incompetence and unworthiness that accompany loss and failure.
At its core, we often choose denial because of fear. We fear not being good enough if we acknowledge what’s wrong in our lives. When we acknowledge and confirm something, it becomes real and visible to others. Here are some common signs of denial:
Defensiveness
Justifying actions or thoughts
Blaming or playing the victim
Lying or hiding the truth
Constantly seeking distractions
How Acceptance Leads to Inner Peace
Acceptance begins with self-compassion and self-forgiveness. It’s a bit of a catch-22 in that you need a degree of inner peace first in order to fully accept yourself or your situation. This inner peace is built on a foundation of self-esteem. But it’s never too late to start building or strengthening your self-esteem.
Forgive yourself for mistakes you think you’ve made; for not being perfect; for not doing all that you think you "should" have done. Forgive yourself for not being able to improve your situation. It’s okay—everything will be okay. In truth, there is nothing to forgive, only things to experience and learn from.
Allow compassion to flow through you if you’re feeling helpless, guilty, frustrated, depressed, angry, or any other difficult emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling what you feel. Simply noticing and sitting with uncomfortable feelings brings you halfway to inner peace.
Why Facing the Truth Reduces Stress
Sometimes reality is harsh, and it seems easier to live in the bubble of denial. But deep down, on some level, you know if you’re only delaying the inevitable. Meanwhile, denial creates inner conflict, as your actions, words, thoughts, and intuition are no longer in harmony. Eventually, even the people around you may sense that something isn’t right.
One of my favorite definitions of stress is: “Stress occurs when you want reality to be different than it is.”
When we fight with present reality, we always lose. Acceptance may feel uncomfortable at first, but it lightens the burden you feel and brings harmony. Acceptance actually opens up possibilities for solving the issue at hand—something impossible if you deny its existence, whether it’s emotional or situational.
Become curious about the issues you’re facing, and treat them like a case study to approach from an objective place. Ask questions you don’t yet have the answers to. Confirm your suspicions. Ask others how you make them feel and what you could improve. Asking these questions takes courage, so be patient and compassionate with yourself. Taking responsibility for your emotions and situation isn’t easy, but over time, it brings you a level of inner peace where outside opinions and judgments lose their power over you.
With acceptance comes a new level of humility. Since defensiveness and justification often accompany denial, admitting your shortcomings and asking for help may feel difficult at first. But acceptance will soften and open you to others’ assistance. It’s a healing and growth journey that can open new doors, including those to love.
In the end, denial only costs you your inner peace. Those who accept reality are ready to move forward, while those in denial remain stuck in an illusion they hope to make real. While confronting who and where we are in life may be painful, the pain is short-lived. The conflicts created by denial and unawareness can stunt our growth and well-being—and that type of harm can last a lifetime.
