How to Love Someone You Don't Understand
“A universal love is not only psychologically possible; it is the only complete and final way in which we are able to love.”
After a brief search online for quotes about love, I was surprised to find many statements from renowned philosophers and spiritual teachers claiming that "love without understanding" is impossible. I find myself disagreeing with much of this. I simply cannot accept limitations on our capacity to love, especially universal love.
Before I go any further, I want to clarify that the love I’m referring to here isn’t necessarily romantic love. It’s a fundamental love for another human being: kind, courteous, patient, and compassionate, without hate, resentment, or expectations. This love can serve as a foundation for any type of love.
Over the years, I’ve witnessed many people who are capable of this great love without fully understanding someone. I’ve also experienced dramatic shifts within myself as I learn—and continue to learn—how to love more deeply and authentically.
I am by no means perfect when it comes to loving universally and unconditionally. As human beings, we naturally gravitate toward people who think like us, people with whom we can easily relate. When we meet someone very different from us, we can be quick to dismiss them because their beliefs and behaviors don’t align with ours. Sometimes, the differences are so fundamental that reconciliation or compromise seems impossible.
But is it still possible to love those people?
With all the violence, hate, and division in the world, it’s troubling to wonder: Will we ever achieve global oneness? Even in our own lives, isn’t it often our family that tests us the most? Are we truly capable of loving everyone—including those who drive us mad and those who have hurt us? And what does that love look like?
Years ago, someone I met on a work trip gave me a simple piece of wisdom that has stayed with me ever since. He said, “Two people don’t really need to understand each other to love each other. People are different in so many ways that it’s impossible to fully understand. All we have to do is just love each other, that’s it.”
I’ve reflected on this idea many times, even though I didn’t believe it to be possible at the time. Yet, the simplicity and sincerity with which he said it made me think: Maybe love really can be that simple.
What if we simply loved the best way we could in any relationship, without the need to fully understand the other person?
What Does Universal Love Look Like
Much of the love in our world is heavily conditioned, but we weren’t born to love conditionally. As toddlers, we smiled and loved anyone who made eye contact with us. We were born with a sense of universal love.
Universal love doesn’t discriminate. It is kind, patient, and peaceful—not hurtful, belittling, or dismissive. It is inclusive, not divisive. It is a love available to everyone.
However, showing someone love doesn’t mean welcoming them into your daily life. Universal love doesn’t encourage codependency or abusiveness. It also doesn’t require you to ignore your own needs for someone else’s sake. Loving yourself is an essential part of universal love.
When someone tests your limits, it boils down to a single question: What is the most loving response I can give right now?
Is an angry response the best I can do right now? Is there a more loving response?
Is criticism the most loving response right now? Is there a better response?
Sometimes, the most loving response might be constructive criticism. Other times, it could be patiently explaining where you’re coming from—or simply walking away. Each situation calls for a different response, but our job is to respond mindfully from our highest good. It doesn’t need to be perfect or dramatic; it just needs to be the most loving response we can manage. Over time, you may find that your responses to challenging people evolve as you grow.
How difficult Relationships Expand Your Capacity to Love
When a difficult person or situation requires our love, it tests our capacity to give. Challenging relationships often show us how much we are truly capable of loving. It’s easy to love those who are like-minded or complement us well. Loving those who are very different from us calls for deeper strength and compassion, from our heart.
When we love with our mind, we need reasons, and the love becomes conditional. When we love with our heart, we don’t need reasons; the love becomes unconditional, regardless of who the other person is. They may continue to disagree with our values or irritate us, but they don’t need to affect the space we hold for loving others.
By holding that space for someone we don’t understand or like, our capacity for love expands. This shift creates a profound change in our energy. If you practice meditation or mindfulness, you might notice a sense of elevation in your mind and body.
As we continue to include those we wouldn’t typically love, we create a larger space in our hearts—big enough to love everyone, regardless of who they are.
Love Is More Than Just a Feeling—It’s a Behavior
Our ability to love isn’t determined by our emotions. We may still feel irritation or frustration toward someone at times, but our choice to love doesn’t have to depend on those feelings. Love is a practice, like meditating or working out. That is the difference between loving and merely feeling love.
Even if we don’t feel love for someone, we can still show them love. Loving without feeling love is a step toward embodying love itself. Over time, this practice can help us genuinely feel love for all human beings. That is when true global oneness can begin.
