Dealing with Loneliness (Part 1): Identifying the Type of Loneliness You’re Experiencing
“Loneliness is not lack of company, loneliness is lack of purpose.”
Is loneliness the true pandemic?
Few years ago, I went on a dinner date with a psychologist. He and I chatted about relationships and social interactions. The topic came up about how technology has changed the way we connect with others. He then began to tell me about the patients he saw, and the increasing number of people he encountered with depression as a result of loneliness. Some of his patients would ask him to just sit with them for an hour at a time on a park bench without talking. Our conversation deeply saddened me.
Cases of loneliness have been steadily on the rise in the last few decades, and not surprisingly skyrocketed during the pandemic. According to an article from the Harvard Gazette, young adults and teens seem to be the hardest hit of the age groups, even more so than the elderly. The reason is they’re just on the verge of transitioning from their inherited family, but haven’t yet entered their chosen family. In other words, most of them are still single and without everyday companionship of a spouse or partner.
But one can argue combating loneliness isn’t exclusive to those who are single and unattached. Even in marriages and committed relationships, many adults experience feelings of loneliness, sometimes just as intensely as someone who is single, or even more so. Since the expectations of intimacy and emotional fulfillment are attached to having a spouse or partner, it would cause each person to feel disappointed and lonely if they’re not on the same page. The feeling of loneliness in that scenario is likely amplified.
Before we can dive into the what and how of dealing with loneliness, I feel we need to first understand the reasons why we feel lonely. Since the degree and complexity of loneliness can vary with each person, a fair amount of self-observation and reflection is required. The more we get to know ourselves and our circumstances, the more we’ll understand our own needs and how to fulfill them.
The dictionary definition of loneliness simply states: Feeling sad or unhappy because one has no friends or company.
However, anyone who has experienced more than a few days of loneliness can probably attest it’s never as simple and straightforward as that. There can be many triggers to feeling lonely and each trigger can bring up a different emotion. It varies from person to person. For example, a person who is single might see a happy couple walk by and have feelings of sadness and depression; yet a different person who is also single may feel anxiousness instead and become eager to seek companionship. So it’s just as important to pay attention to how we respond to our loneliness triggers as much as the type of loneliness we experience.
The 4 types of loneliness
1. Physical loneliness
This is a common type of loneliness with an urge for physical companionship. One side of the spectrum can be the need to just have another physical body close by — someone to share our moments with. That can include something as simple as running errands or watching TV together.
The other side of the spectrum is the need for physical affection such as hugging, kissing, and sex. As shown by years of psychological and neurological studies, physical affection from another human releases oxytocin and reduces cortisol (the stress hormone), therefore nurturing relaxation and trust with others. The power of physical touch is deeply healing.
2. Mental loneliness
Many people crave intellectual connections, whether it’s chatting about what happens throughout the day, communicating what goes on in our minds, or discussing matters of the world. Connecting with others mentally can give us a great sense of camaraderie, that we are not alone and there are others like us. It also gives us others’ perspectives on how they perceive events and exposes us to new information, therefore adding to our pool of knowledge.
With the amount of upheavals and uncertainties the world has seen in the last 20 months, there’s no doubt this would be an important aspect of releasing pent-up thoughts and concerns. Not being able to do that would likely cause confusion, frustration, even anger.
3. Emotional loneliness
For those who operate more on an emotional level, empathetic relationships will play an important role. Most of us feel the need to express our feelings in response to what happens in our lives. In this case, rather than processing external information logically, we feel it more on a primal level — emotionally and intuitively.
Regardless of how logical a person may be, there will always be a situation where an emotional response is triggered. Not receiving positive emotional feedback can result in feeling sad, lonely, and disconnected.
4. Spiritual loneliness
This is a type of loneliness not often talked about, reason being it is far more elusive and embedded in the deeper part of our psyche. Most of us have probably had moments of sensing something but we can’t quite put our finger on it.
They say a person’s spiritual journey is alone, but I can confidently say, from experience, while each of us is on our own path, it is possible to have those by our side who understand our deepest desires and purpose in life. For some, the pursuit of spiritual alignment based on purpose, belief, and practice is of the utmost importance. Not having someone who understands or shares similar spiritual pursuits can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled.
Spiritual loneliness can vary from short-lived or long term, though that depends highly on someone’s own spiritual pursuits and level of consciousness.
It’s evident now that loneliness isn’t just from a lack of physical companionship. The state of our mental health is also a factor why some of us don’t deal with loneliness as well as others. As society as a whole grows to have a deeper sense of the body-mind-spirit connections, we begin to understand how our physical state can affect our psychological state, which can affect our emotional state and vice versa. Good news is, we now also have an understanding that overcoming loneliness and many other mental and emotional distresses can be taught and learned. It’s a skill like any other that can be acquired through some practice. How much we know ourselves and how skilled we are at fulfilling our own needs determines the length of loneliness each of us experience.
Read more on 4 things you can do to overcome loneliness.
