4 Steps to overcoming false insecurities

I never thought I’d start a blog. There was always a voice in the back of my head saying: “English is your second language, you’ll never be a good enough writer." 

I’d come to that depressing realization after moving to California with my dad and younger brother in August of 1985. I got off the plane knowing only a few simple English words and phrases including hello, goodbye, and thank you. Two weeks before school started, my parents and I picked out my English name and a family friend taught me to say, “My name is Olivia” if people started asking me questions I didn’t understand.

Having always been active in communication and artistic expression even at a young age, I felt disabled and crushed. Even though I never planned to become a writer I still wished that outlet was available to me when I needed it. I went on to work very hard in learning and practicing English so I could start fitting in and converse fluently. In one short year, I dropped my accent and was able to understand and speak everyday English very comfortably.

Even with my rapid learning speed I still felt frustrated every single day for not being able to express myself as well as I wanted to. There was such a complicated world inside me and I didn’t have the vocabulary to express it. It was pure agony. I was often teased, ridiculed, and criticized for saying the wrong things. I knew what I wanted to say but didn’t know how to say it. I was embarrassed, frustrated, and I wanted to explode.

That same frustration and insecurity came up as an adult whenever someone gave me a blank stare or didn’t know how to respond to what I had said. I immediately assumed it was my “bad” English that had caused the confusion. Needless to say, I never considered for one second I would do any kind of writing, let alone starting a blog and publishing it to the public domain.

The turning point for me was in my mid-30s, when a boyfriend expressed how much he enjoyed my emails and text messages. I busted out the same knee-jerk reply I’d been using for over a decade: “Oh thank you, my English sucks, it’s my second language and I make so many grammatical errors. I wish I could write better.” He grabbed my arm and stared me square in the eyes and said, “You speak and write better than most of my American friends!” 

I was stunned. That statement was so shocking to me because it contradicted a set belief I had carried for so long. I didn’t know how to react. I never expected to receive a compliment like that about my verbal and written skills. It didn’t occur to me, even after years of observation and practice, studying how to write advertising copy in design school, and years working in marketing agencies that sharpened my skills in communication and self-expression. I felt a noticeable internal sigh of relief — I’d finally “arrived”. 

But what did that mean?! Had I been hiding behind an illusion of false beliefs all those years? Did I make up that incompetence in my mind even after it was no longer true? I was confused. It almost felt as if I had an identity shift. Something had changed for me, forever, I just didn’t know what it was yet.

After that shift, I started to really hear others for the first time when they complimented my communication skills at work. I even began to accept those compliments with a sincere “thank you”, instead of my usual response, “Oh no, English is my second language, I need to get better at it.” I began to believe that I actually could be good at writing.

Sometimes we identify with something for so long we dismiss all other possibilities, until someone grabs you and stares you square in the eyes and tells you otherwise.

What other false insecurities did I have but was completely unaware of, I wondered. I wanted to dig deeper and get rid of any other blockages I may have. To think, there were probably many new connections and opportunities I’d missed out on because of a perception only real in my mind. Once I’d identified and overcame my insecurity of not being able to write, I set up a 4-step process to help recognize and clear other self doubts.

1. Identifying triggers to your doubts and insecurities

Discovering self doubt and false beliefs takes awareness, and a little bit of courage. It can be uncomfortable sometimes to think about parts of ourselves we just don’t feel are good enough. But knowing the possibility of that only exists in your own mind, exploring your mind is where it begins.

Where do those feelings of inadequacy live and how are they triggered? Is it whenever you see a photo of an attractive model or influencer? Is it when you see others celebrating their successes? Whether your insecurities deal with your external appearance, your abilities, your accomplishments, or your love life, they are barricades between you and your highest potential.

Pay close attention to your external and internal reactions to certain words, images, encounters. Do you receive compliments gracefully? Do you put yourself down seeing other’s successes? Do you find yourself saying “I wish I was …”? 

If so, how do you relate to these triggers? Do you believe any of your statements of self doubt?

2. When did they first appear?

Understanding where your false beliefs originated is important in understanding how you can remove them from your system. Prioritize your insecurity triggers, starting with the one you have the strongest reaction to or the one that comes up most often for you. Work on clearing that specific one first.

Trace back to the very first moment you felt that way. Did someone say something to you? When was it said and what caused it? Was it your own voice, or was it from someone close to you? How did it make you feel?

Once you’ve identified the first occurrence, try and remember the frequency of the occurrence. How often did you hear it? How long did it take for you to start believing it?

Judgments, insults, and put-downs often mirror someone else’s own insecurities. Remembering your interactions with someone else or inner dialogues with yourself will give you a clear picture of why you feel a certain way about yourself and the source of that feeling.

3. How has that insecurity held you back?

Now that you have a better understanding of how you’ve come to live with your false insecurities, let’s take a deeper look at how much you believe them and how long you’ve been living with them. Have you allowed them to become so deep-seated that you gave up on achieving goals associated with them? What goals have you given up on as a result?

People say to me sometimes, “It’s just reality, it’s how the world works” or “It’s in my genes, there’s nothing I can do about it.” My first question in response to these comments has always been, “Have you tried to overcome it? How far did you go before you gave up?”

Once an insecurity becomes a deep-seated belief, most people dabble at changing that belief through external methods, only to find themselves validating that belief after a short while: “See, it didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t. Who am I kidding?”

There are many inspiring stories of those overcoming disabilities and becoming world-class athletes; those who defeated obesity and display a healthy and chiseled physique; those who came from poverty but became self-made multimillionaires. Despite their genetic makeup or the harsh environment they were born into, they managed to beat the odds and reach their ideals. How? Because they believed they could and didn’t stop trying until they got to their destinations.

Clearing your insecurities that led to false beliefs does not give you a magical solution or a shortcut to your goals; it simply gives you the reassurance that your goals and dreams are within reach if you move toward them. Whether or not you choose to is entirely up to you.

4. Developing a new set of habits

In order to overcome your insecurity, a new set of habits is required — mentally, verbally, and physically. All it really takes is small steps and mindful practices.

• Monitor your thoughts whenever you hear comments relating to the subject of your insecurity or belief. How do you respond internally to those comments? Change any responses that reinforce your false belief as soon as you recognize it. Formulate a new thought response as soon as you can to support your new belief, such as: “I used to believe that but it was just my insecurity talking. I’m on a new path now and I can reach any goal I put my mind to.”

• Speak of what you want to accomplish out loud as often as possible. Releasing it into the universe not only attracts what will support your goal but also solicits accountability and commitment from you. If you are uncomfortable telling others at first, repeat it out loud only to yourself, until your new belief settles in and you feel more comfortable sharing with others.

• And finally, do it! Depending on how motivated you are, either take baby steps toward it or dive right in. There is no wrong way to get started. The deciding factor will be consistency. Whether you take it one breath at a time or sign up to speak in public tomorrow, you will need to keep it up for a period of time until your new sense of believing fully sets in and you feel a deep internal shift. However you choose to approach it, remember to practice compassion toward yourself. Do not judge your efforts, results, or for reverting to your old ways. Growth is often three steps forward, two steps back. As long as you keep going, you are moving forward at a healthy speed.

Any thoughts, questions, or experiences you’d like to share? Shoot me a message or comment below.