Judgment or Discernment? How to Know the Difference
At a very recent brunch, a friend shared that she received some criticism from someone for being judgmental after making a decision toward a business relationship. She responded very confidently, saying, “It’s not judgment, it’s discernment.”
Even though her decision felt justified, she showed doubt, followed by the questions:
“How can I tell for sure?”
and
“Is it okay to make a judgment when it comes to protecting your business?”
We’ve all been told “don’t judge” or have heard some version of the Bible verse: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Many spiritual teachings often imply that passing judgment is not only unkind, but that it is followed by consequences, whether in this life or the afterlife.
Yet, we are required to make decisions every day about people, situations, opportunities, and relationships. Many of those decisions affect our finances, energy reserves, and mental and physical health. If we are not meant to judge, then how do we make wise decisions?
Is It Possible to Discern Without Judgment
When the concept of discernment emerged, a kinder and more nuanced answer presented itself—to not stop evaluating, but to learn to discern without judgment.
But in reality, is it possible to exercise discernment without judgment at all times, especially when certain moments require an immediate decision?
While the state of zero judgment one hundred percent of the time might require sainthood, I think becoming aware of the difference and practicing discernment over judgment whenever we can is very possible.
The difference between the two may seem nonexistent at first, but with practice, that difference will become clearer.
We live in a world where judgment is the default. We encounter the many masks judgment wears on a daily basis. Knowing the difference can be tricky, but as we sharpen our perception of what judgment looks like and what discernment looks like, the gap between the two starts to widen, and our ability to exercise discernment over judgment becomes more natural.
What Does Judgment Look Like
Judgment usually arises very quickly and in an absolute sense...
Before I go any further, I want to point out a little background and history of how forms of judgment emerged and why they were necessary. I think it’s important that we understand how we got here and why it was not all without good intentions.
This dates back to prehistoric times, when one of our survival skills was identifying predators. Like many other animals that live among us, our brains are hardwired to detect threats quickly so that we could escape in time without harm. Our livelihood depended on how rapidly we could identify the approacher's size, shape, speed, and breathing pattern so that we could immediately tell whether or not we were in danger.
Much later, similar pattern-recognition skills found their way into military profiling. Personnel are trained to rapidly scan for patterns of behavior and external traits like demeanor, posture, language, and attire to help identify potential threats.
I often think of judgment as a more primitive way of discernment. Not because it’s beneath us, but because it serves more as a fight-or-flight function, not always applicable to day-to-day life.
Day-to-day judgments are more subtle and often look like one of these:
Labeling someone without understanding them first
Jumping to conclusions about someone quickly
Filling in the blanks about someone with assumptions
Reactivity based on ego, fear, or past experiences
Looking for certainty rather than information that supports the truth
Judgments are often formed without the participation of the other party, and answers are often binary. When judgment takes place, a lot of information is excluded. Even when the assumption turns out to be correct, the conclusion reinforces judgment without understanding.
What Does Discernment Look Like
Discernment is far less absolute and leaves room for nuance and context. Conclusions from discernment are based on knowledge or experience and occur over a period of time.
Discernment takes patience and often looks like one of these:
Begins with curiosity rather than certainty
Distinguishes without condemning another
Observes behavior patterns without defining a person's worth
Seeks understanding before reaching a conclusion
Is not fixed on being right
Discernment isn't about ignoring red flags or giving someone the benefit of the doubt indefinitely. It's simply choosing to observe what's happening, what has been happening, and what continues to happen, without drawing conclusions about someone's value or worth.
While judgment often relies on a snapshot, discernment pays attention to the pattern. Decisions made with discernment are fair and leave us feeling more settled in both the body and the mind.
How to Discern Without Judgment
What I’ve learned through practice is that when I’m judging, it’s usually directed at other people; when I practice discernment, I inquire into myself and what works for me. While judgment has a tendency to either boost or condemn people, discernment is quite neutral.
Judgment usually asks:
Is this good or bad? Why do they think like this? What does this mean about a person?
Discernment usually asks only one question:
Is this person (or situation) right for me at this time?
One of the techniques I use to see whether I’m discerning or judging is to check my internal meter and see whether I feel neutral or if there’s an emotional charge.
A neutral meter tells me I’m not reacting to something. It tells me I am making an informed decision about a relationship or a situation. It’s one I can sit comfortably with and not feel like I need to defend or justify.
A charged meter tells me it could be an emotional reaction. There might still be missing information, and it may be premature to close the door on something, or I may need a different perspective.
When I’m discerning without judgment, I usually practice waiting a little longer than my emotional reaction is pushing me to. If something doesn’t look right or feel right, I’d raise a flag but continue observing before drawing conclusions.
When I am ready to make a decision, I usually ask myself some of these questions:
Has this person shown me a consistent behavior pattern?
Do I consistently feel distressed around this person or situation?
Did I make an effort to understand or simply rush to decide?
Do I have all the information I need to make a clear decision?
Do I feel more unsettled or calm after I make this decision?
Am I willing to change my mind if new information or developments present themselves?
Relationships can be challenging, and at times, it can be difficult to distinguish what's right for us. Practicing discernment without judgment allows us to cultivate patience, compassion, and greater emotional maturity. This way, we make clearer decisions, avoid unnecessary conflict, and preserve the relationships we care about.
Discernment isn’t the absence of clear boundaries or principles. It's the ability to set them without the need to approve or disapprove of others.
